12 Things I Learned During the State of the Union Address
by Jason Roth
- AIDS is still more important than cancer.
- We should close our borders to drug dealers and terrorists, but the ones who are already here can stay.
- Either Laura Bush wears too much makeup, or she needs too much makeup.
- Hillary Clinton needs more makeup.
- We need a constitutional amendment to keep the sacred institution of marriage solely between a man and a woman and the government.
- There's a principle that says money docked from my paycheck should be spent wisely on things I would never spend my money on.
- For the sake of economic freedom, social security should be partially replaced by voluntary personal retirement accounts, and the free market should be replaced by mandatory government controls.
- One of man's fundamental rights is the freedom from fear, especially the fear of freedom.
- Democrats aren't afraid of freedom like Republicans, they at least have the courage to show that they hate it.
- What we need in the Middle East is a democratically elected theocracy.
- The United States should not stay in Iraq indefinitely, even though we don't mind hanging around in much less important places.
- There's just one thing I don't understand. What's the deal with gangs, and why does Laura Bush need to fight them? As far as I can tell, gangs keep violence out of the schools and where they belong: on the streets. They teach unity, self-sacrifice, and allegiance to the group. Sure, we might disagree with what they do, but no one's forcing them to join. They seem pretty democratic to me. That's what we're all about these days, right? Democracy and freedom. Hey, gangs have it all.