All of these news headlines appeared today.
- New Paltz, NY mayor charged with 19 criminal counts for marrying same-sex couples
- [Jayson] Blair's Publisher Claims 'Times' Infringed Copyright
- Senate Rejects Effort to Protect Gun Manufacturers and Dealers
- Fla. Teacher Bet Student To Jump Out Of Second-Floor Window
- McDonald's Menu to Go on Diet in 2005
- Man Arrested For Allegedly Having Sex With 2-Month-Old; Victim Among Youngest Ever
A government official is in trouble for allowing gay people to do what straight people are forced to do and which the government should have nothing to do with in the first place. I need a goddamn license to marry somebody? What's next, fines for practicing sex without a license? I wouldn't put it past the Republicans.
A publisher who is profiting from someone's lies doesn't like it when the company who got lied to publishes the bullshit rationalization for those lies without sufficient permission. This is like a woman getting sued for slander by her rapist because he doesn't like the way she warned her daughter about him.
Gun manufacturers are still allowed to get sued when a murderer isn't rich enough to bankroll the family of the victim. Steak knife and baseball bat manufacturers, consider yourselves warned.
A teacher actually thought that people needed to see hospital bills before anyone would believe that the public school system was a total failure. SAT scores would have been sufficient.
The management of a restaurant that serves potatoes fried in grease thinks that making you purchase two small orders instead of one large order will have a positive effect on your health. And not only that, a smaller menu of fatty foods will end all criticism from the anti-fat crackpots. Sure.
A man who rapes infants will probably be sleeping with babies again in a matter of years, and the only thing people will argue about is whether the public "has a right to know" when he's released from prison. Here's a debate topic: Why are men who fuck children released from prison?
I'm glad everything's fine in the world. I wouldn't have been able to get to sleep tonight otherwise.