Signs from God
I saw a bumper sticker once that said: "Yes, Lord, We Ride with You".
What I want to know is: is it really necessary to connect God to something pretty much everyone accepts as mechanical in origin? Never mind whether there's an invisible Godmobile driving in back of me driven by Jesus. He created the universe, so He should at least be able to do a goddamn K turn. What I really wonder about is if religious people ever pray for car repairs. They pray for sick people, so why not suspensions and exhaust systems?
When I used to go to church, the priest would mention the names of a bunch of sick parishioners and the congregation would repeat the slogan of the week, supposedly to tap into God's healing powers and do what the doctors weren't qualified for. It would have been great if the priest had said:
"We pray for Shelly, who's in bed with the sniffles this morning."
"Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and caldron bubble."
"We pray for Bob, who's been on life support since Friday after drunk-driving his car into a tree."
"Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and caldron bubble."
"We also pray for Bob's car, a beautiful '69 Mustang. The Mustang was really the innocent victim in this accident. Bob's son says the engine has been rattling ever since the accident, and the mechanics say there's nothing they can do. Let us pray..."
Signs from Pharmacy Managers
I saw a sign on a pharmacy window that advertised a special weekly promotion: "We Care Wednesdays". I have no idea what special service you're supposed to get on this day. I guess a blowjob is out of the question.
Yeah, yeah, I know. They make an extra special effort to be nice and shit. Isn't that sweet. I'm sure everybody in the pharmacy switches on their pleasant personalities and it's a real joy to shop for drugs on Wednesdays. Wednesday's aspirins are twice as nice as Tuesday's.
But what I want to know is: what does a promotion like "We Care Wednesdays" say about their service on every other day of the week? Is it really so hard to get your employees to give a shit about their jobs seven days a week that you figure one day a week is better than nothing?
I have an idea for a promotion. How about: "Fuck You Thursdays"?
If they told me I'd get insulted and treated like shit on Thursdays, I'd at least go into the store once just to see what happens. In fact, they could even tell me they won't treat me like shit unless I buy something. I could walk into the store and say:
"Excuse me, sir, what exactly is 'Fuck You Thursdays'?
"I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to buy something."
"Oh, ok. How about these mints?"
"Why, does your breath smell like a fucking horse's ass?"
"Hey, I like this place. How about 'Go to Hell Saturdays' and 'Your Mother's a Whore Sundays'?"
"Good idea. Would you like to fill out a job application, asshole?"
I have a feeling we'll never see "Fuck You Thursdays". It's those damn drivers with religious bumper stickers.
And while we're on the subject, attention evolutionists: it's time to get it through your heads that it's not considered "witty" when you're the 10,000th person to stick a metal emblem of a walking fish on your car bumper. I say you should be required to read the Origin of Species before you're allowed to buy a walking fish. I promise to qualify before I buy one.
