This warning message is on my box of Q-tips:
"If used to clean ears, stroke swab gently around the outer surface of the ear, without entering the ear canal.
WARNING: Use only as directed. Entering the ear canal could cause injury. Keep out of reach of children."
(boldface on actual packaging)
Did you know that the Chesebrough-Ponds lawyers don't want you to use Q-tips for the purpose for which they were designed?
I'm sure as hell glad I'm not on their marketing staff. Fortunately, Q-tips basically have a monopoly on the "cotton swab" business, but imagine trying to advertise or promote these things. You can't even tell people that Q-tips are good for cleaning your ears. Cleaning "the outer surface of the ear"? If that's all people needed Q-tips for, why do they bother putting the cotton on a stick?
Dinnerware packaging should tell you to dump the food off of the fork onto your plate before eating it, so you don't actually put the fork into your mouth and risk the serious injury of stabbing your fucking tongue.
Here's the message on my Nissin "Cup Noodles" (sic), which appears right after the "recommended cooking directions":
"Microwave Directions: See lid for details."
I'm not even going to mention the warning that "the product is hot", even though the product isn't hot when you actually buy it. Instead, let me just tell you what the "Cup Noodles" lid says, which you can't read until you buy the product and take apart the box:
"MICROWAVE DIRECTIONS
Due to variance in microwave heating power, and for safety, we do not recommend microwave cooking."
That's it. Those are the instructions.
This is what happens when lawyers get together with marketing people. My own microwave instructions weren't very far-fetched.
