In Provo, Utah on Friday, a polygamist was sentenced to five years in prison. Whether he had oral sex with any of them is unknown. If he had, that could have cost him an extra 6-months per act. Don't believe me? Take a look at Utah Code 76-5-403.
The only thing more ridiculous than a five-wived Mormon is a government that would put him in jail for having five wives. Who is getting harmed by this behavior? And don't tell me "he was mooching off the welfare system". Yes, he was, but he wasn't put in jail for five years for that (he got fined $78,000 for "fraudulent" welfare collection), but for the act of being married to more than one person.
The court that tried Mormon Tom Green in Utah should go back to their own boring bedrooms and stay the hell out of his. Whether a man marries five wives, three wives, or eighteen husbands should have no place in a court of law.
If you think there's something wrong with marrying more than one wife, make an argument. And put down that goddamn Bible. I'm sure Mr. Green could quote you half a dozen passages from the Bible where it says it's good to have more than one object of procreation.
Recently, I saw something that convinced me that environmentalists have not yet revealed the full extent of their stupidity. Books have been, and are being, written on a new kind of pollution. A pollution that affects not just astronomers, but "you and me".
It's called "light pollution". And, like having 5 wives, light pollution emanating from that "Vacancy" sign appearing to you like an angel along route 80 as you begin to doze off in your sixteen-wheeler, should be banned and/or damned to junkyard hell, along with the rest of the evil polluters.
Did you know that there was an "International Dark-Sky Association"? Do you believe this? Can you imagine what it would be like to hang out with members of this organization? They'd probably gouge your eyes out with a compass if you proposed going to a drive-in movie, watching the fireworks, or, heaven forbid, catching lightning bugs.
What kind of personality must a member of the "International Dark-Sky Association" have? Do you think they'd be fun? Do you think a person who actively campaigns to keep the sky dark would be a cool person to go to a bar with? Or to bed with? I bet you could really impress members of the opposite sex with a knowledge of why light is bad for you. I'm sure nothing gets you laid faster than the instantaneous ability to name the headlight wattage of a passing vehicle.
Can't these anti-polygamists and anti-lightists just get off people's back? Fine, if someone forces you to be his wife, for ten years or ten minutes, then press the charges. But we already have legitimate laws for that.
And if the light is in your eyes when you're trying to sleep, or blinding you in your rear-view mirror because that moron in the Nissan Pathfinder feels unendowed without a huge rack of headlights, then file a suit. We already have laws against annoyances like this, too.
But laws against polygamy and organizations against light, like all things that speak only in the language of bullshit, give us a line that we can swallow so they can force-feed us their real agenda.
For example - from an August 13 issue of the LA Times:
"The stars are an endangered species," said Elizabeth Alvarez, associate director of the International Dark-Sky Assn.
I have some advice, lady. If the sign on the twenty-four-hour-a-day burger joint is forcing you to move your goddamn observatory to Antarctica, how about buying a better telescope?
Cheeseburgers at 4:00 in the morning just happen to be one of my life's major pleasures.
Signing off,
JR
