Olympics Bashing is So Retro
by Jason Roth
Making fun of the Olympics has officially gotten really old. It's time to stop this nonsense. Not just because the competitors deserve respect and praise for showing us what humanity is capable of, but because these naysaying assholes are just getting tedious.
It's amazing that these Olympics-bashers can show their faces in public and make the same unfunny remarks that some other putzes made four years ago. Anytime anyone makes any comment that's cliché and acts as though it's never been uttered is a fraud. But it's especially irritating when the comment is made as a bunch of chicks shatter a world record in an activity that's essentially identical to what it was two thousand years ago. Show a little respect, you life-hating assholes. Or at least cultivate some sort of sense of humor, for Christ's sake.
To assist you in determining whether your negative comments about the Olympics will henceforth be permitted, I have put together this list of banned and permitted Olympics remarks:
Illegal Olympics Bashing:
- "Male gymnasts are gay"
First, let's see you suspend yourself horizontally from a couple of rings before you start shooting off your derogatory bullshit. If you're incapable of seeing past a tight suit and actually comprehending the strength and discipline needed to achieve what these guys do, then you should be watching the fucking Teletubbies, not adult athletics.
- "Olympic events aren't real sports"
I know it's difficult, but try to wrap your mind around the possibility that not all sports necessarily require a goal post or a helmet. Yes, some sports, like synchronized diving or boxing, require judges. But there's a judge, or referee, in every sport. Arguments rehashing the imperfection of a third-party judge, a judge who somehow invalidates the results of the competition, evades the primary fact. Namely, that these athletes do some amazing shit, and some of them do it better than others.
- "Olympic events are sports you never watch and don't care about"
You've been watching baseball and hockey all year for the last four years, so calm the fuck down, you sports geek. Open your mind up to the idea that there are other things human beings can do besides hit pucks and balls and beat the fuck out of each other. Besides, there's about 15,000 different events in the Olympics now, so feel free to watch only the ones you're familiar with if that makes you sleep any easier.
- "Professionals have ruined the Olympics"
Professionals aren't in every sport, only the sports that need them. Any professional sport that people watch regularly needs professionals, otherwise the Olympics' version would be like watching Little League. There are still plenty of events that are amateur-only.
Permitted Olympics Bashing:
- Comments pointing out the masculinity of female athletes
I feel a little bad about this one, mainly because it's been done many times already. But until the day when the IOC bans men from the female events, these individuals with the huge shoulders, square jaws, and bulging triceps are going to need to take our shit.
- Any jokes about ping-pong
These jokes are permitted only if you're a halfway-decent ping-pong player yourself. (Let's call this the Jackie Mason principle as applied to table games.)
- Sarcasm directed at negative commentators
Why don't these bitter ex-gymnasts take their own advice and stick it? I'm tired of these commentators trying to train you into ignoring all the good stuff just to focus on how many millimeters the damn feet moved. There should be more to being an expert than the ability to identify someone's faults.
- Sappy bios
I haven't seen many of these this year, and I consider myself lucky. Whether the badminton player from Turkey was sexually abused as a child is not something I really give a shit about. My only concern is: can the guy hit a good shuttlecock?