Ms. Wheelchair America
There was a story recently about the riveting Ms. Wheelchair America controversy. Evidently, Ms. Rhode Island was given the award after Ms. Wisconsin was spotted in a newspaper photo standing up. What a bitch.
I know, I shouldn't joke about people's disabilities. But give me some slack here. For a comedian, a wheelchair beauty pageant with a controversy is like a TV news anchor with a speech impediment. There's just no way to ignore it.
The reason I believe that Ms. Wheelchair America is fair game for ridicule is because the pageant itself is offensive to women who can walk. For example, what if you're pretty enough to win the pageant, but you're not fortunate enough to be paralyzed from the waist down? I don't see why a lack of paralysis should disqualify you from a beauty pageant. Where are the liberals when you need them to protest this discrimination?
I don't see why a chick on wheels should be evaluated differently from a biped. Even if you factor in leg atrophy, a wheelchair chick still has a lot of other physical attributes which could help her pull off a win in a regular beauty pageant. She might not have the chance to show off her ass, but she's still got face and tits. Hell, I'd even throw in hair as a separate attribute. I remember when I thought Sinead O'Connor looked great in a wig.
If a wheelchair chick scored a 9.7 in face, but only an 8.2 in legs due to muscle atrophy, she could still beat out a legful woman with 9.3 legs and an 8.5 face, all other things being equal. I don't think we should discriminate against wheelchair chicks in the Miss America or Miss USA competitions, and I also don't think we should discriminate against walkers in the Ms. Wheelchair America competition.
Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I think maybe the Ms. Wheelchair America competition is really just providing a crutch to married wheelchair chicks. The real problem here is not that these wheelchair chicks are being given an unfair advantage over walking chicks, but that married wheelchair chicks are being given an unfair advantage over married walking chicks. You can't be married and enter the Miss America or Miss USA pageants, but you can be married and enter Ms. Wheelchair America.
Technically, a single woman could win Miss America, then get into a car accident and win the Ms. Wheelchair competition, then get married and win it again. Miss America could also get married, then get into the car accident, then win Ms. Wheelchair. But could a single Ms. Wheelchair get married, buy prosthetics, and win Miss America? I don't think so. The husband gets in the way. (And as I've been informed, so would the wheelchair. I guess those steps up to the stage can get you disqualified.)
We obviously need a new union. A union that defends the rights of the beautiful, formerly legless, married women of the world. Until then, I will conduct my own private protest. The next time Miss America is on TV, I will not be watching.
You'll find me at the beach. I'll be the one in the sunglasses, lying under the palm tree next to the wheelchair ramp. But what I want to know is: is drinking and driving an issue, or do they not have alcohol limits at wheelchair-accessible nude beaches?
My Girlfriend's Official Ratings
On the subject of 8.5s versus 9.7s, I asked my girlfriend to break down her evaluation criteria for the male body. The idea was that she had to assign a percentage value to each aspect of the ideal male body, in exact correlation to its importance to her in terms of sexual attractiveness. She did this for both clothed and naked men.
Here are the numbers:
Clothed
50% - face
3% - legs
8% - ass
14% - arms
14% - chest
11% - abs
It's interesting to see how the importance of each of these attributes changes when the clothes come off.
Naked
30% - face
8% - legs
6% - ass
13% - arms
12% - chest
12% - abs
19% - penis
I guess the biggest change is caused by the penis, which forces 19% to be deducted from the other parts. If you ask me, that's a pretty big risk to be taking.
Fortunately for me, the 26.5% breast factor doesn't get obfuscated by all those clothes.
