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Page 1

Wishing You a Very, Merry September 11th

by Jason Roth

This September 11th, there's no one for me to send a Hallmark card to. They're all dead. I guess it will be another year with an uncelebrated Grandparents Day.

Grandparents Day, which as you know is celebrated on the first Sunday after Labor Day, will be celebrated this year on Sunday, September 11. Might I suggest, for the grandfather who has everything, this lovely gift?

Grandparents Day is a great time for children to spend the day with grandma and grandpa, and get to know what it was like to grow up in a time when people weren't such mind-bogglingly pathetic pussies. Perhaps it's a good day for grandma and grandpa to explain to the kids why in other important wars, people in the West focused on the development of democracy after leveling its enemies' cities. It might also be an appropriate time for grandparents to fill kids in on why eliminating the enemy's ability to wage war is the first goal of war, not respecting the imaginary rights of sovereign dictatorships, or of those people who wish to institute a new one.

It's a great day to say, "Hey, Grandma. You make the best chocolate chip cookies. How come they shout 'death to America' in the middle of the Iranian parliament? Do they really mean it? Are you worried that they'll develop a nuclear bomb? What was it like when you were little? Did your mommy ever tell you to turn the other cheek to Islamic terrorists? My mommy does. And Grandma? How come a lot of the people who were against the war in Iraq were also against the war in Afghanistan, and how come they don't like to remind us of that? Why do they feel sorry for terrorists? Don't they like the people who were killed in America? And how come they can't think of a better way to fight terrorism? They sure like to complain. Grandma, you're really lucky you're going to die soon, anyway. Can we go outside and play?"

Put that in your Hallmark card. Tape it to a ceramic statue of a droopy-eyed dog and a kid in a baseball hat. Grandma will just love it.

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