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Go back to: home culture bashing outbursts

Page 1

Men's Bathrooms, Men's Locker Rooms, Anal Sex, and Other Disgusting Heterosexual Topics

by Jason Roth

I find it interesting that some men's bathrooms have "the wall" separating each urinal, and some don't. There's enough of a market for "the wall" that companies actually produce and sell them (they call them "urinal screens" or "privacy screens" in the bathroom business) but there's obviously not a consensus in our society about whether there should be a wall between your urinal and the next guy's.

To me, it seems obvious that every men's room should have one. But since evidently not everyone agrees with me, I thought it would be worthwhile to take a look at the pros and cons of not having the wall.

Pro: You get to look at other men's dicks.

Con: You get to look at other men's dicks.

Pro: If you're gay, you get to look at other men's dicks.

Con: If you're not gay, you still have peripheral vision, and you're probably not wearing your blinders because you're not a fucking horse.

Pro: Other men get to look at your dick.

Con: Besides not wearing your blinders, there may be other ways you do not resemble a horse.

Now, some people might say that this last point is the essential reason for the existence of the urinal-separating wall: short-dicked architects. This is possible, but I don't think so. To me, the inability to see other men's dicks while I piss is even more of an advantage as them not being able to see mine.

This is why, when I'm at the gym, I get in and out of the locker room as quickly as possible. There are men holding hand dryers up to their fucking balls, for Christ's sake. I shit you not. They stand facing the mirror hand-drying their goddamn body, balls and all. The men's locker room is a disgusting place. Fundamentally, there is no difference between a men's locker room and the ten-minute period of time before the start of a gay orgy. Granted, no one's got a hard-on (if they did, I'd own a Nautilus machine), but they sure as hell walk around like other guys actually want to look at them. Once, I saw someone with long hair and said, "Hey, how did she get in here? Nope, there's a penis." If you thought it was bad enough to see someone on the street who turned around and surprised you by being a different sex than you expected, imagine that experience in a fucking locker room. The only dick and balls I like to have visible in a room are my own. In fact, if my dick and balls are visible in a room, I don't want any other dicks and balls anywhere near that fucking room.

Ok, so let's summarize. If you're in a room with me and you see a dick and balls, they better be mine. If you have a dick and balls, then get the fuck out of the room. And don't give me that "But I'm a doctor!" bullshit. Yeah, like there isn't such a thing as a gay doctor. I'm not prejudiced - I believe that gay men can be doctors just like everyone else. All I'm saying is that I don't want them fondling my balls. There's a lot of balls, trust me, there's not going to be a balls shortage. If you're gay, and you want to be a doctor, there will be plenty of balls for you to fondle. Just not mine.

Although, it's not like I would know if you're gay, anyway. My gaydar is pitiful, and it's not like a doctor is going to hang up, right below his diploma from Harvard, a big picture of himself fucking some guy in the ass. That wouldn't be professional. I know if I were gay, I wouldn't do it. In fact, I'm completely straight and I don't have a single picture of myself having sex conventionally. And even if I did, I definitely wouldn't hang it up on my wall.

This leads me to an issue that really needs some clarification: heterosexual anal sex. Personally, I don't like it because it's very gay. If you like having anal sex with a woman, you might as well ask her to strap on a dildo and ride you like a fucking bull. I know, technically the ass belongs to a woman. But it's an ass for Christ's sake! Men and women both have asses, and if you're fucking a woman's ass, all you're doing is research - in the most socially-acceptable way possible - on what it would be like to be gay. If you close your eyes while you're having anal sex with a woman, turning Evelyn into Evander is only a fantasy away.

Heterosexual anal sex is just gay batting practice. Now, if you're into that, fine. But it's time to step up to the plate. See, you like ass. So stick with ass. Leave the women for us. We'll take the ass that comes with pussy, because we'll actually use the pussy. There's no reason why we can't all be happy. There's plenty of ass, but only a limited supply of pussy. Therefore, everyone who wants pussy should have sufficient access to pussy, before those with the ass preference start hogging up all the pussy.

I believe in the equal opportunity of all men to have pussy, if they want pussy. There's nothing more sad then a man who dies without the opportunity to rise above the conditions of his birth and reach for something greater - pussy. I say a man who dies without pussy is not a man at all. If I were president, there would be a pussy for every man, and a dick in every pussy. Regardless of race, color, or creed, if you want pussy, then goddammit, you should get pussy.

And you know what? If you're a woman and you want pussy, you also should get pussy. You already have pussy, so you would have to wait until those without pussy got their pussy first. But once the pussy has been distributed, you would get yours, too.

There's plenty of pussy to go around. All I'm saying is if you like ass, then move the fuck to the back of the line!

The End

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