Environmentalist Pop Musicians
I was just listening to a pop song that had the lyrics, "They paved paradise and put up a parking lot." It was the band Counting Crows doing an annoying cover of the annoying Joni Mitchell song.
First of all, a message to the Counting Crows and Joni Mitchell: You don't "put up" a parking lot. If anything, you put it down. You might "put up" a parking garage, but not a lot. The ground is down, the sky is up. Get your fucking directions right, you hippie fucks.
Second of all, in my paradise, you can find a goddamn place to park! If this so-called paradise is missing a parking lot, then by definition it's not paradise!
In my paradise, there's plenty of parking spaces. What the fuck do they expect us to do, park on rainbows and waterfalls?
Hulk
This movie was so bad, if I found out it was all a bad dream, I'd wake up and still be pissed at how bad it sucked.
Hey Mom, Thanks for the Mammaries
I actually have a memory of breast feeding. This is not a memory I want to have. Yeah, I know, a mother breastfeeding is beautiful and everything, but not when it involves my mother's tit and my mouth. It's not like you can magically transform your psychology in your memory to that of a baby's, all you have is your mouth and a nipple. Jesus, if I remember this, how the hell old was I? Now I'm getting worried. Does anyone have a memory eraser?
People who know me can vouch that I'm a breast man (though I've been learning to appreciate the ass more lately, so a special "thanks" to the person who might be reading this who helped in this regard). But goddammit, my attraction to breasts better not have anything to do with my mother. If I ever find out that it does, I'm giving them up and sticking with bare-bones vagina.
Shit. I also have a memory of my mother naked.
That Ridiculous Subconscious
Did you ever find yourself thinking about something, while you're daydreaming or in a half-asleep state, and then suddenly you realize that what you were thinking about was completely ridiculous? And then, while fully conscious, you realize that you're now analyzing, in minute detail, how ridiculous the previous subject was. Which is more ridiculous, the ridiculous subject, or the ridiculous analysis of it?
Or am I the only person who thinks about shit like this?
Threats
How come no one ever believes you when you threaten them? Anytime you threaten somebody, they always ask you, "Is that a threat?" when they know damn well it's a threat.
Why the need to put a label on it, anyway? If someone more or less just told you that he was going to take a baseball bat to your head, does it really matter whether you classify the statement as a "threat" or an "insinuation"? Or, perhaps you'd prefer someone issue "subtle hints" about your future head bashing?
Doesn't anyone understand that one of the joys of threatening people is the ability to be subtle in your use of language? For example, which of the following is more interesting?
- Saying: "I'm going to bash you over the head with this baseball bat should you proceed to continue your taunting of me."
- Or: [while holding a bat and smacking it with one hand against the other] "Go ahead, keep talking."
I think it's clear that option two is the one Shakespeare would have preferred. And there's a guy who knew how to issue threats.
Ok, so maybe when people ask if something's a threat, they have some doubt about whether they should expect repercussions. In those cases, when you're really not sure about the validity of the threat, I recommend giving an equally subtle, retaliatory threat.
For example, if someone says to you, "You'll leave well enough alone, if you know what's good for you", I'd fire back with, "In case you're thinking about threatening me, I'd think again." This is a good response, because it doesn't actually accuse the other person of having threatened you. Instead, it addresses future, potential threats.
If the person then responds, "Was that a threat?" you can just say, "Why would you think that? There's no way you could possibly take what I said as a threat unless you were actually thinking of threatening me. You weren't thinking of threatening me, were you?"
Inevitably, the other person will retaliate with, "Maybe I was threatening you and maybe I wasn't. But it sure sounds to me like you thought I was threatening you so you threatened me in return. However, if I didn't threaten you, then you issued a completely unprovoked threat. I'd suggest you watch yourself."
"Aha!" you could then reply. "What you just uttered was a blatant, unrestrained, flagrant threat. A threat which justifies my preemptive threat, a threat I might add, which could only have been a threat had you later thought of threatening me yourself, which you did."
And once the two of you have gotten all that out of the way, the next step would be to agree to the particular follow-through for each threat. Murder, rape, or a good old fashioned ass-kicking are highly recommended.
