Sam Kinison famously took a news story containing the most depraved act he could find, and turned it into humor. The story was about a homosexual necrophiliac.
Now, you might argue that there's nothing more depraved about homosexual necrophilia than plain, old, regular necrophilia. And you might be right. But the mental image Kinison conveyed of a dead guy lying face-down on a slab expecting eternal rest after a life well lived, then waking up to this particular event, well, this was a good choice for comedy.
I wonder what Sam Kinison would have done with the story I read recently. The headline read:
Teenager raped and killed great grandmother
This particular story was about an 18-year-old who pleaded guilty to raping and killing his 92-year-old great grandmother. My first thought was: is this really the worst a human being could do? Or could you do worse?
The obvious thought that came to my mind was that this kid didn't actually murder the woman. He was only charged with manslaughter. So, I guess if you wanted to do worse, you'd have to murder your great grandmother, rather than let her die in a fire as this guy evidently did. To max out the depravity scale, negligence is never going to cut it. You'd have to rape her, then stab her.
What do you think Christmas dinners are like now at this kid's house? I have a feeling that thanking God for the bread pudding isn't as much of a priority after great grandma gets raped and killed. Either that, or you really need to start clarifying your prayers. Something like, "Thanks for the pudding, God. But was the rape and death by fire really necessary?" I wonder if any family photos have been taken down. The baby's smile in that photo of him lying on the woman's lap wrapped in a blanket is never going to look the same.
But back to winning the record for World's Best Human Depravity. What's the absolute worst thing a human being could do to other human beings? Obviously, a lot of victims need to be involved. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you murder 100 people. Do you really rank any less than the guy who murders 101? I don't think so. Once you start talking about these kind of numbers, I figure that an extra death or two is really just a matter of chance. Once the bodies make it into the triple digits, I say we call it a tie.
To push it up a notch, I think you need to mess with someone's head. If you could convince 100 people to do the deed themselves, for instance, you'd improve your ranking. Get the occupants of one San Francisco apartment building to walk out into the ocean voluntarily and never come back; that would be impressive.
Here's what I think would be at the very top of the scale. You convince 100 people to take a long walk off a short pier. Then, as they're treading water with no hope of making it back to shore, you explain to them how you got them to do it. In their last moments alive, they'd be cold, wet, and embarrassed. And there you'd be standing above them, laughing.
Geez, you are one evil bastard. Kind of makes me wonder where the guys who raped and killed their great grandmothers have all gone.
