I travelled cross country by way of Alaska Airlines last week. For such a mediocre airline, they sure were able to provide some amusing tidbits worth reporting. And I'm not even counting the toilet overflowing and running down the aisle. (Although the helpful intercom announcement to "remember to wear your shoes when using the bathroom" was definitely amusing.)
The first fact is the impressive statistic I just learned that "This year, Alaska Airlines will fly more than 30 million pounds of seafood from Alaska to markets in the continental United States, Mexico and Canada." Customers of Red Lobster restaurants and sushi joints everywhere thank you, Alaska Airlines. However, I believe the seafood in the cargo area must have been treated to the service we were lacking upstairs in economy class. I knew there was something fishy about that in-flight service.
Presumably, all the fish luggage (salmon suitcases, crab duffel bags, and such) were also treated with more respect. After we landed, I watched from my window as a member of the ground crew let a black box with the word "Fragile" in large white lettering fall to the ground off the conveyor belt. I stared at him straight in the eyes hoping to make him feel guilty about it; unfortunately, he must have been mentally occupied with the task of the letting more luggage break. In the future, I suggest that the words, "This box is equipped with a hidden video camera and I will personally hunt you down if you mishandle this, motherfucker" would be more effective.
The third, and most notable, fact worth mentioning was the little surprise left in my meal basket. Conspicuously resting under my sandwich was a 2 1/2" x 3 3/4" piece of paper with a peach-colored image of a river or ocean inlet with a mountain range in the background and the words "Alaska Airlines" at the bottom. The following text was at the top:
Give thanks to the Lord,
for He is good;
His love endures forever.
PSALM 107:1
It was a bit disconcerting to receive a statement about an all-powerful, invisible man who promises life after death from a company that had already promised me they would use non-Godly means to keep me from falling out of the sky. My first thought was: "Christians tampered with the airplane food!" My second thought was: "Just how religious are these pilots, anyway?" The extent of the religious permeation throughout this airline, especially given my distaste for turbulence, was indeed a question on my mind.
This type of nonsense comes from the top, and the pilots probably had nothing to do with it, right? Maybe. But listed second from the top in my Google search results for "Christian pilot" was none other than the Christian Pilots Association of Alaska. You gotta be fucking kidding me.
I now know that the Christian Pilots Association of Alaska is a group that provides transportation to Christian evangelists, so that every Eskimo, moose, and black bear in Alaska can know His glory. Their good work includes protecting remote Alaskan streams from schools of pagan salmon.
One of the seven parts of their official Statement of Faith includes the following:
"We believe in the resurrection of both the saved and the lost; the saved to the resurrection of life, and the lost to the resurrection of damnation."
That's sweet. But I get the feeling that the avoidance of fatal airplane accidents isn't quite as high a priority to an Alaskan Christian pilot as it is to us atheist passengers from the 48 contiguous states. I don't know if any Alaska Airlines pilots are members in this organization, but from now on, I'm doing my best to stick with Continental.
Nevertheless, I would like to offer Alaska Airlines several, absolutely free suggestions for upcoming lunch-time proselytizing. How about depositing a few of these Bible quotes under your customers' chopped beef and cheese sandwiches?
To allay fears of potential crashes:
"For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling."
Psalm 116:7-8
And in the event things don't go well:
"The LORD hear thee in the day of trouble... remember all thy offerings, and accept thy burnt sacrifice."
Psalm 20:1-3
If they think God's pissed off that day, there's this friendly Number:
"And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them"
Numbers 11:1
I think they should probably save this last one only for weekdays in the springtime:
"And pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on a sabbath: for then shall be great tribulation, such as hath not been from the beginning of the world until now, no, nor ever shall be."
Mark 13:18-19
Come on, Alaska Airlines. You want to get religious? Let's get religious.
