Duke
Motivated students. A superb learning environment. Random acts of violence. Ah, yes, it's the Howard of the South.
Nothing's more entertaining to us Americans than a good, old-fashioned gang rape. If the accused is college-educated, even better. College and rape go together like Karl Marx and marijuana.
If a Time Magazine photographer could snap a picture of a bloody Duke sweatshirt, a calculus textbook, and an aluminum relay baton, he'd be up for a Pulitzer. The idea that something sinister might be lurking below the surface of our bullshit, superficial society is almost as gratifying as knowing what shade of brown Angelina Jolie's next child is going to be.
A Middle-Eastern kid who lived next to me freshman year in college got accused of rape and promptly got kicked out of school. I never did find out for sure whether he actually did anything, or if the standard track is just to get accused of rape then deported. Deportation does save everybody the trouble of having to deal with all those facts.
I was watching the news and heard the Fox News bimbo of the week use the phrase "exotic dancer" to describe the accuser in the Duke rape case. It's fucking unbelievable but totally expected that people in the media actually think that "stripper" is too crude a word for a discussion on gang rape. I bet you'd hear the words "fist", "flashlight", and "billy club" in a story about a gang-raped stripper before you'd hear the word "stripper".
The conventional wisdom, I believe, would say that you don't hear "stripper" because of its offensiveness to strippers. Being "exotic" and esthetically pleasing in the manner in which you shake your tits in front of drunk guys' faces are preferable to a skill that everybody has, namely the ability to take off one's clothes. So, yes, I think strippers refrain from the word "stripper" for the same reason waste management consultants don't call themselves garbage men. But I don't think it's why the media doesn't use the word. I think "exotic dancer" is a sort of verbal burka. It helps curb nasty thoughts. When you hear "exotic dancer", you don't picture a pole, and you don't picture any tits getting shaken. When I hear "stripper", I picture tits in motion. When I hear "exotic dancer", I think of some kind of female King Tut. Maybe I picture a little belly dancing, but that's as far as it goes. Nothing above or below the belly, that's for damn sure.
Iran, Iraq, I Conquered
The Bush Administration is following the same strategy with Iran as it did with Iraq. It is awaiting complete media confirmation of the terrorists' possession of weapons of mass destruction before waging a war. Well, the media has started talking about it. This time, they'll do a better job of denying the possibility that these idiots can figure out how to follow our recipes. So, be prepared to hear a lot of stories about how many months and months it will take before Iran is seriously able to wipe an American city off the map. Clearly, there's no reason for the United States to consider additional, rash acts of violence when American skies are perfectly free of mushroom clouds. I can still get to the fundraiser in my four-wheel-drive, eco-friendly green machine, so what the fuck do I care?
There are still Republicans who seem to think there are underground student groups in Iran with the ability to overturn their government. Who exactly are these superheroes and how can I meet one? Is there some kind of Hall of Justice, or are they more like X-Men, like underground guardians, biding their time until when they're truly needed? I'm waiting for Wolverine versus Ahmadinejad. And I don't even read comic books.
Then there are the Democrats, just like on September 12, 2001, who want to apply the theory of gun control to world politics. Remove all guns, by means of asking the good guys to check theirs at the door, and voila, no one gets shot. What we really need, then, is airplane control. What a great idea. Somebody ought to stop these terrorists from getting on the airplanes.
I have a better idea. Ban air travel. We don't need these rich assholes flying all over the place, do we? Hasn't somebody invented videoconferencing?
The authors of Freakonomics make the case that it wasn't gun control that reduced crime in the 1990s, it was abortion. According to the theory, it was the legalization of abortion that reduced the number of potential criminals a couple decades later.
Since we don't have time for a controversial procedure like abortion in the Middle East, I'll settle for euthanasia. We don't want to offend anyone's religious sensibilities. Let's start a dialogue with Iran in terms we can all agree on. We disagree about whether our death is a good thing, but we agree that theirs is fantastic. So, why don't we start from here and move on? I think it's as good a basis for a relationship as any.
Here's what I propose. Fill up a plane with prisoners from Guantanamo Bay and send it express to Tehran. I believe the airport may be slightly outside the city center, but don't let that stop you. It's about time we put an end to this filthy chapter in American history. The chapter in which we're busy putting underwear on terrorists' heads instead of annihilating them.
