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Page 1

Dead Animals, Bums, and Caramel Nut Blast

by Jason Roth

The Comfort of Dead Animals

I used to have a pair of leather gloves with a rabbit fur lining. Two species of animal had to die because I didn't feel like putting my hands in my pockets. Isn't it great to be human?

When I lost a glove and had to buy a new pair, the best I could find were leather gloves with a faux sheep's wool lining. Trust me, dead rabbits are a lot more comfortable. It's a good thing rabbits are one of the animals that are easy to breed in captivity.

I like to imagine what the rabbits would do, while they were breeding, if someone could communicate to them that they and their children would be killed because someone didn't like to put his hands in his pockets. Do you think they would stop breeding? Or do you think rabbits like breeding so much that they'd keep breeding? I think they'd keep breeding. Their whole lives would be: Fuck. "Oh fuck." Fuck. "Oh fuck."

I'm glad I'm human. And that animals don't make apparel out of us. The day I see a monkey walking around with a pair of human testicle galoshes is the day I stop breeding. Just as a sign of protest.

If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere

As I boarded the New Jersey Transit bus from NYC one night, I noticed some guy with a beard and ruddy face get on. As he walked to the back of the bus, a painful B.O. wind blew by me. Clearly, this was homeless B.O. The kind that smells like it's been fermenting underneath a pair of underarms for weeks.

And then it occurred to me. This was a bum who was commuting. He didn't have a necktie and a briefcase full of soda cans, but he was commuting nevertheless. Maybe it was casual day.

Weird Flavors

I was in a convenience store recently and noticed that one of those energy bars came in the flavor "Caramel Nut Blast". I'd like to know what in God's name is "nut blast". And would the flavor of caramel really make it taste any better? I sure as hell have no interest in eating nut blast. I don't want anything blasted out of a nut, with or without caramel. Nor do I want "chocolate butt explosion", or "fruity vagina discharge".

Did you have an opinion on this? Then post a comment.

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