Tired of the Lack of Curse Words in My Spell Check
Why do most corporations have to pretend that all of reality is identical to what happens in a conference room? Just because no one at Microsoft uses the word "fuck" at any official company functions (not counting the ones with alcohol, of course), why do they have to pretend that no one will ever type the word "fuck" while using their word processing program?
My basic rule of thumb for working in the corporate world is simple. Make your products as good as possible for their use by your customers. Oh yeah, and assume that your customers aren't a bunch of fucking morons. (Unless of course they are, in which case help them to be better morons.)
Companies like Microsoft pretend that no one would ever use their products for such base activities as typing the word "fuck". By this logic, gun manufacturers could save money by eliminating the existence of the safety.
"Sorry folks, you're not supposed to aim our guns at babies like that. If you had followed the simple instructions, and not pulled the trigger while your baby was in front of the gun barrel, maybe your baby would be alive today."
No, Microsoft, not everyone will be using Word to type letters to Grandma, and yes, there will be some people who use the word "fuck" while writing to Grandma. Do us a favor, can't you include a decent variety of goddamn curse words in your spell checker?
Here are the words I've had to take the time to add to my spell checker. I'd suggest Microsoft start with these:
assed
assfucker
assfucks
asshole
assholes
B.S.
badass
ballsy
blowjob
blowjobs
bukkake
bullshitting
crap
cunt
dammit
dicked
dickhead
dickweed
dildo
dildos
fart
farting
fuck
fuckable
fucked
fucker
fuckers
fuckhead
fuckin
fucking
gangbang
goddammit
handjob
horseshit
masturbatory
motherfucker
motherfuckers
motherfucking
necrophiliac
pissed
pisses
pornos
pussified
putzes
schmuck
schmucks
scummier
shit
shitload
shits
shitty
sodomize
sodomized
sodomizing
titties
toked
toking
vaginosis
Defective Toilet Paper and Putting Things in Perspective
I had a rather unusual experience in the bathroom the other day. Now, I've had bad toilet paper days before. These are days when the toilet paper just doesn't tear properly, and you end up with tiny bits or long strands of paper in your hand, which, for me, ends up in the trash so I can try to reap a fresh batch.
But this had been the third or fourth time in a row having this experience. I was getting seriously worried that my toilet paper ripping abilities had taken a mysterious nose dive. Upon inspecting the toilet paper on this particular day, however, I realized that (much to the benefit of my self esteem) my roll of toilet paper was defective! The Kimberly Clark Corporation had completely failed to perforate the roll of Scott toilet paper. (Excuse me, I believe the correct term is "bathroom tissue". We don't want to accidentally remember that we have asses and occasionally we sit those asses down on toilets.)
For several days, I had thought my coordination had suffered to the point that I could no longer cleanly rip a sheet of toilet paper. And though I was relieved to discover that my bathroom skills had not, in fact, suffered, I was nevertheless somewhat annoyed. I was annoyed at the Kimberly Clark Corporation. Actually, I was initially annoyed at the "Scott" company, until I looked at another roll of toilet paper and discovered that there was no longer such a thing as the Scott Paper company (as of 1995, as I later discovered on the Internet). Also on the backup roll of toilet paper was a toll-free phone number for questions and complaints. And not only that, but the roll was stamped with the "Good Housekeeping" seal of approval, which promised a replacement or refund if the roll was defective.
Interestingly, Kimberly Clark requests that you "please have the roll with you when you call." Let's think about this. Which roll do they want you to have with you? Presumably, the roll that's defective, right? But what type of information do they expect me to provide to them from the defective roll of paper? Obviously, I've thrown the packaging away already. Perhaps they would want me to describe the roll to them?
"Yeah, it's white and there's no goddamn perforations. I need to carry a pair of scissors into the shitter, for Christ's sake."
Ok, maybe Kimberly Clark expects me to spot the defect instantaneously upon opening the package. I'm sorry, though, I'm usually not at my most observant at the moment I have the need to open a roll of toilet paper. In other words, you need to give me a day or two with the toilet paper before you make me hold my proverbial peace. Either that, or print a serial number on the cardboard tube within each roll. After all, there's gotta be other circumstances when a toilet paper defect will not be identified until some or most of the roll has been used. Who the fuck says that toilet paper defects are always on the outside of the roll?
After much of the preceding thought process had run its course in my brain, something occurred to me. It's a fucking roll of toilet paper. The chances of discovering another roll of Scott toilet paper without perforations in my lifetime (not including the industrial rolls made for serrated dispensers) has to be one in a billion. Well, one in a billion once I checked the other roll I bought on the same shopping trip. So basically, it occurred to me that maybe I should calm the fuck down and stop acting like a whiny old lady who's willing to kill five minutes of her time just to call up some clueless customer service rep and vent my frustrations about their defective toilet paper.
Christ, it's bad enough that someone has to go home at night, kiss their husband or wife hello, and then, when asked about their day, respond with something like:
"How was my day? Well, it was a lot like yesterday. People called me up, yelled at me about their toilet paper, toothpaste, and deodorant not meeting their fucking satisfaction, at which point I kissed their ass like I do everyday and prayed that a fifty-cent coupon would get them off my fucking back. How do you think my day was?"
The idea of two adults talking about a roll of toilet paper that wasn't perforated enough to meet the satisfaction of one of them is kind of like the idea of a man masturbating in the coat-check room of his own wedding reception. It's not exactly the most dignified thing one could be doing with one's time.
Therefore, (and saying this hurts me more than it hurts you) I took my lemons and made lemonade. I said to myself, "This is a once-in-a-lifetime event, and it's something to be cherished." And with this positive outlook, my next thought was, "I have to tell someone about this." But alas, a touch of sadness remained. How exactly does one broach the subject of a defective roll of toilet paper?
"Yeah, speaking of which, I was taking a shit the other day..."
Like I stated already, a defective roll of toilet paper is not a topic of discussion between individuals. Therefore, I decided to make it a topic for the masses. Hence, the piece you've been reading.
Corporate Toilet Paper Inspection Methodology
I'm sure there are multiple industrial techniques for evaluating the quality of toilet paper. I'm also sure, however, that none of them match the effectiveness of actual ass wiping. Therefore, assuming that the toilet paper companies of the world are run by men and women of intelligence, I'm going to assume that at some point in the manufacturing process, someone at the toilet paper company grabs a roll off the conveyor belt and heads to the men's or ladies' room. The question is, though, what do they do if they discover a sub-par roll in the batch under production? Do they run out of the bathroom and yell at the machinery operators, "Stop the presses! I just chafed!"
Bumming a Slice
I read that a pizzeria is paying homeless people to hold signs advertising the pizzeria. What a great idea. Of course, where there's a great idea, there's a leftist moron who opposes it. I shit you not, there is already someone complaining that traditional labor laws (minimum wage, etc.) need to be applied. The freaking leftists are more interested in enforcing laws to control people's lives just for the fuck of it than they are in a homeless guy being able to make a few extra bucks by utilizing his already existing skills of huddling, squatting, and doing absolutely nothing.
