eHarmony Commercials
How many traits from eHarmony's "Compatibility
Profile" do you think the people in eHarmony's
commercials have in common? Two? Maybe three? How many
actual, identifiable traits do you think they have?
I decided to go through the entire eHarmony sign-up
process, just to see who they would match me up with
if I had the world's worst personality profile. I mean, this
thing was a work of art: low self-esteem, neuroses,
lack of passion and interests, boring hobbies, inconsistent
answers, blatantly contradictory answers, you name it. They
couldn't find anybody to match me up with. I bet the bastards just didn't want to risk
their members' safety.
AIDS
Have you noticed that there haven't been many celebrities
to come down with AIDS lately? Could it be possible
that AIDS is not as popular to get diagnosed with
anymore? I think so.
I think psychological illnesses are much more in vogue
these days. You have everything from haunting memories
of child molestation to severe cases of acute
scientology.
Somebody should start a scientology ribbon campaign. I
nominate John Stewart. The Academy Awards would be a
great place to kick off this public awareness
campaign. Scientology is a debilitating disease. The
people most in need of psychological medication are
the ones most against it.
Subway
I see that Subway (the fast-food chain, not the
underground railway system) has hired John Lovitz (the comedian, not John
Lovett, the artist) to promote their meatball
subs. I guess the funny, pudgy guy gets to sell the high-fat stuff, and Jared Fogle gets to promote the
healthy stuff.
Hey, John Lovett (the actor, not the artist and not John Lovitz, the comedian). I see that your publicist
has neglected to post a photo of you on the IMDB. I think it's time to get a
new one. (Either a new publicist, or new photo, if the
reason your photo is missing is that you don't have
any good ones.) I can see that you'd object to
spending money on a site that's supposed to provide
free information, but it's only $35.
Sirius Satellite Radio
I got Sirius for Howard Stern. I enjoy telling people
this, because it bursts the bubble of all the people
who think nobody is actually doing this. Either that,
or what I'm interpreting as surprise at my reason for
getting Sirius is really surprise that I would spend
my money on what they consider to be an idiotic
expense. Either possibility gives me enjoyment.
Listening to the Sirius music stations (such as "Left
of Center", the new alternative/college music
station), reminds me of why I hate commercial radio.
It's not just the commercials, which Sirius music
stations don't have, it's also the idiotic DJs.
Fortunately, one only needs to tolerate about fifteen
or twenty seconds of DJ comments between songs, and
most of the time, none at all.
Workout Motivation
Seconds before I picked up a pair of barbells at the
gym, I noticed a magazine on the floor with a photo of
Christopher Reeve and his wife. The cover story was
about Reeve's wife's last days alive. Man, was I
pumped.
I really have to meet the person who combines thoughts
of paralysis, cancer, and a workout regimen.
The Xlerator
I have finally found a public bathroom hand dryer that
I like. It's called the Xlerator and it's the
Lamborghini of hand dryers.
Make sure you haven't had any plastic surgery recently
if you use this thing, because it will take off any
loosely attached skin. It's loud as hell, sounds like
it's powered by gasoline, and it might as well contain
a medium-sized automobile engine. It's the kind of
hand dryer that makes you think: finally, a hand dryer
that hurts the environment.
I've realized that it's not warm air that I
have a problem with, but warm, pussy air (pardon the
participle) that barely has enough energy to be
expelled through the dryer nozzle, let alone get your
hands dry. I hereby fully endorse the Xlerator.
Community Redevelopment
What every community really needs is a place where we
can ban skateboarding. A place where we can come
together two or three times a year, wave flags, and
curse at teenagers for actually using the place. A
place like this would be good for everybody. The old
folks would have a place to sit on lawn chairs, wait
to die, and shake hands with the mayor. The teenagers
would have a place to skateboard and act rebellious.
It's great for everybody.
My Encounter with What's His Name
I never knew who Vince Curatola was. Then I was
sitting outside of Blue Moon, the Mexican restaurant
in Englewood, New Jersey, and I saw him. I later
looked up his name, and found out that the name of the
actor who plays Johnny Sack of The Sopranos was Vince
Curatola. It turns out Vince lives in Englewood. And
he likes Blue Moon, too.
A couple of women were holding their phones open and
staring into them, and before I was done calling them
a bunch of stupid bimbos, I realized who they had seen
and that they were trying to operate their phone
cameras. Curatola was friendly enough to stand up and
pose for them. When my girlfriend and I finished
dinner and walked past him a few minutes before 9:00,
I said, "I love your work, sir." He smiled and said
"thanks". As we walked past, I pointed up ahead to the
car and said, "I gotta get back and watch the show."
Johnny Sack laughed, and replied,
"Ok, come back and tell me what happened." Cool guy.
And one bad ass motherfucker.
