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Page 1

A Note to Blackberry Users and The Stupidest Thing Bill O'Reilly Ever Said

by Jason Roth

A Note to Blackberry Users

The next time you take out your Blackberry in public, try to recall one thing, from the perspective of us non-Blackberry users. Checking your e-mail all day on your Blackberry does not make you look important to us. It doesn't make you look well-connected. It makes you look like the bitch. You're the guy who answers everyone's e-mail, and is willing to give up his personal time to do it. You're not just the bitch. You're everyone'e bitch.

You might say: "Not everyone gets e-mail from so many important people. I can't be the bitch." No, that just means you're the bitch to higher-paid people than other bitches. You're the executive bitch.

But, you might say, "My boss checks his Blackberry, and he isn't a bitch." I beg to differ. Your boss is the bitch to even higher-paid bitches. Call him the bitch to the stars. You're both fighting to be the best bitch. And he's winning. Not only are you the bitch, but you're a failure at it. The only reason your boss happens to answer your e-mail is that he feels like he's less of a bitch while he's e-mailing his own bitch.

At best, you're a secretary. And there's nothing wrong with being a good secretary. As long as you realize one thing and keep it in mind at all times. You're the bitch.

The Stupidest Thing Bill O'Reilly Ever Said

I could make a joke about the weeks of research it took to write this, but I'll skip this obvious opportunity.

This week, O'Reilly discussed the topic of two parents who went to a fertility clinic and really got the shit end of the stick (No racist slur intended.) The wife is Hispanic, the husband is white, but alas, the baby is half-black. Oops.

Of course this story is amusing enough to warrant space on the news page. (Given that the cost of a news page on the web is nil.) Yes, it's funny, and yes, I want to see the photo of mommy and daddy trying to smile while holding their baby. (Notice that "daddy" is trying to smile a little harder.) And yes, at the same time, or shortly thereafter, I will feel sorry for these people and sympathize with the monumental fuck-up caused by the fertility lab. But what kind of discussion can be had about this situation, apart from either a legal one or a scientific one? "Scientific", as in a scientific discussion had by scientists?

Leave it to O'Reilly. He uses the butt of a "black and white and red all over" joke to launch into a diatribe against the evils of Man Fucking With Nature. But here's the really funny part. He claimed that he felt sorry for the baby girl. That the girl would be "confused" when she became conscious of the differences between herself and her parents.

O'Reilly, you fucking religious nut. Some other religious nut must have disallowed you from getting a proper sex education. (One of the problems with learning about sex on "the streets" is that your friend Vinny's knowledge of banging chicks stops short of the double helix.)

This baby girl you feel so "sorry" for (I have to put it in quotes just because I can't completely believe you're actually stupid enough to believe this nonsense) is a different fucking baby from the one who wouldn't be "confused". Is this a fucking laugh riot or what? O'Reilly actually thinks that the half-Hispanic, half-black baby is the same person as the hypothetical half-Hispanic, half-white one. It's just a different color!

Hey, O'Reilly. Try this. If we haven't all died in a chemical-nuclear-fallout-cloud in fifteen years, ask the "confused" child to come on to your program. See if she would have preferred that some other half-Hispanic, half-white baby had born instead of her. See if she agrees with you. I imagine not.

Let's also clarify something about the non-confused, half-Hispanic, half-white baby. You're telling me this combination is confusion-free? Fuck, yes, it's confusing. But I have a feeling that racially mixed kids learn to fucking cope. The "confused" baby you're worried about will become unconfused soon after mommy and daddy show her proof that mommy didn't fuck her black boss or the Uncle Leroy who happens to always attend all the birthday parties.

Far worse, it seems, to O'Reilly, than the shock and disappointment of the parents, is the child's potential inability to cope with the racial differences between her and her parents. (Though as noted above, she need only cope with one racial difference.) I think O'Reilly revealed more than just his dark-age, religious zealotry. He also revealed his modern-age, racial prejudice. It's the mere mixing of races, and the "confusion" it causes, that's so much of a problem for O'Reilly.

Imagine the confusion a kid would have to bear if, say, his skin color were not just "half" different from his parents, but completely different. Imagine the endless number of psychiatry appointments this would entail. Imagine the cognitive shitstorm that would ensue when a kid sees no similarity between his own skin color and that of his parents? Imagine if the kid were, Heaven forbid, albino.

Further research:

After an exhaustive search session, sifting through dozens of articles about albino rats, vision problems of albino human beings, and researchers with the last name "Albino", I have gathered the following relevant research articles. Please submit your report, Mr. O'Reilly, at your earliest convenience. Limited research is available, but I'm willing to theorize that psychological and sociological problems amongst albinos is far more common than those amongst the prognatus ex sperma sinistram.

  • A sociological study of children with albinism at a special school in the Limpopo province

    ("This article maintains that it is the social context, as much as, and sometimes more than the physical condition, that largely structures and limits the lives of people with albinism.")

  • A psychosocial study of albinism in a predominantly Mulatto Caribbean community

    ("Psychosocial data collected from 12 albinos in rural and isolated parts of the Dominican Republic suggest a stigma is associated with the absence of skin color.")

  • Psychological aspects of albinism: an exploratory study with Nigerian (Igbo) albino subjects

    ("Results from personality studies seem more consistent and show albinos to be more emotionally unstable than non-albinos.")

  • Cognitive functioning in albino children

    ("Twelve albino children with IQs in the normal range were psychometrically assessed and compared to a control group of equally visually handicapped children who were non-albino. A striking and consistent pattern of cognitive functioning emerged in the albino group (a large verbal/performance discrepancy in favour of verbal skills) which could not be attributed to their poor visual acuity. This unusual pattern of intellectual functioning may be related to the unique neuroanatomy and neurophysiology recently demonstrated in people with albinism.")

  • Familial association of albinism and schizophrenia

    ("Of three siblings in a family, one brother and one sister have both tyrosinase-negative oculocutaneous albinism and a psychotic disorder indistinguishable from schizophrenia. The two disorders may associate within families through genetic linkage or a failure of neurotransmitter homoeostasis.")

  • Albinism

    ("The primary concerns of those with albinism are low vision and societal misconceptions, which can also lead to social and emotional problems. Persons with albinism can live fairly normal lives when they have appropriate support and resources, including low vision rehabilitation.")

  • Shit, there's even prejudice against albino animals:

    Inappropriate use of albino animals as models in research

Referencing random journal articles makes you look smart. Try it some time.

Did you have an opinion on this? Then post a comment.

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