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Go back to: home culture bashing outbursts

Page 1

Arnold, Double-Fisting, Feminists, Rush Limbaugh, and Al Pacino

by Jason Roth

Governor Schwarzenegger

While watching Conan the Barbarian however many years ago on HBO, I never thought I was watching a future governor. Then again, if I gave a shit at the time, I probably wouldn't have thought that government elections would be based on popularity rather than ideas and action plans.

I'll be honest. When I see video of Arnold smiling on a stage, I can't help but think, or want to think, that this guy is going to do something good. His personality in some ways reminds me of the way Ayn Rand described Marilyn Monroe: that it must take a heroic soul to preserve that kind of self esteem through to adulthood in a culture like ours. I can't help but want Schwarzenegger to do good. But that's not my brain talking. My brain says he's trying to sell the Republican party by acting like, in many ways, a Democrat. So many Republicans, especially the radio hosts and commentators (like Sean Hannity, for example) who don't really have a political stake in the California election (at least until they run for office), have endorsed Schwarzenegger over Tom McClintock just because he's "electable". These guys are acting like the Libertarian party did when they nominated Howard Stern as their candidate for New York governor. (Full disclosure: I'm a big Howard Stern fan, I just wouldn't want him as a fucking governor.)

Let's get to the point. People who want a candidate who's "electable", rather than because he's principled, and has the right principles, are after one thing: power. Either personal power (e.g., the people who are already in office) or group power (e.g., people who belong to the clique in question, in this case the Republican party).

I do wish Schwarzenegger well. What I disagree with many Republicans about, however, is that he will necessarily be better than some random Democrat. With our current two-major-political-party system, the Republicans are the closest to the defenders of freedom. The more the Republicans lose that already flimsy connection, the more we move to a one-party system.

And I wouldn't be so weary of a one-party system if everyone in that one party didn't want to tell me what the fuck I'm supposed to do.

Double-Fisting

No, I'm not referring to something a midget does to his girlfriend. And secondly, no way am I denouncing the act of drinking two beers with two hands. Double-fisting is an act that I appreciate very much, and by no means would I ever want to deter anyone from partaking in such an activity.

My question is simply this: Does a double-fister deserve any more credit than someone who's drinking from a really large mug? For all you know, the big mug has more volume than the two small mugs. Sure, holding two separate mugs are an impressive sight. But, as beer drinkers, we should never let the smoke and mirrors bullshit of a couple of mugs distract us from the real issue: how much beer is being consumed?

If you ever see someone double-fisting, and someone else drinking from a big fucking mug, be sure to estimate the total volumes of each before making a final judgment. A comment like "Now, that's a serious fucking beer drinker" should only be reserved for those who deserve it.

Feminists: The Group Most Against Silicone Breast Implants Are the Group Most in Need of Them

According to Wednesday's Associated Press story, the FDA is reevaluating their ban on silicone breast implants. In short, the story basically says that feminists disagree with actual women on whether the implants are safe or not. The day a feminist defends something feminine will be the day I actually give a flying fuck what those bitter, ugly bitches say.

On the one hand, you have the breast cancer survivors, who say that silicone implants can help. On the other hand, you have reptiles in women's bodies claiming that anything resembling a tit or a vagina is nothing but an instrument for male pleasure. Actually, make that "reptiles in reptiles' bodies".

I would be willing to bet everything I own - and this is a promise - that if you took the top 100 highest-ranking members of the National Organization of Women, and asked 100 random men to evaluate their physical appearance before and after giving them breast implants, you'd get a higher average rating after the surgery. And I'm not even saying you gotta use silicone. Use kitty litter for all I care.

Rush Limbaugh Was Right

This headline appeared on Yahoo's homepage today:

Flames' Iginla first black captain in NHL

If skin color didn't matter to the media, and they weren't really rooting for black athletes to succeed, would that be a headline?

Goddammit, the Associated Press is a bunch of leftist journalist-major fucks.

Speaking of which, check this out. Some other news service called "AFP" had a story today about "only the second wild whale in the world to be reintroduced to its pod." Yeah, ok, I get it. A pod is a bunch of fucking whales. But I don't know about you, but I am so sick of the ten billion synonyms of the word "herd". What moron scientist had the idea that every species of animal needs a different fucking version of the word "herd"? This pretentious mother fucker who came up with this idea obviously had nothing better to do with this time except justify his career to his Jeopardy-watching or Trivial Pursuit-playing relatives.

Fuck that bastard. I'm calling them a bunch of fucking whales. Pod. Give me a fucking break.

Scarface

Did you ever see a movie, and leave the theater wanting to kick the shit out of everyone? I saw Scarface last night on the big screen, and walked out of there feeling like Al Pacino. Some guy was walking slowly in front of me on the sidewalk, and I wanted to take a gun to his head.

It's interesting how even a criminal can inspire you, isn't it? Then again, this is me we're talking about.

For some reason, this type of inspiration never works in the opposite way. I never saw Ghandi and wanted to go out and give all my money to homeless people or anything. It's more like:

"Well, that's nice. Do you want to go out and get trashed? Hey, watch out, don't trip over that fucking bum."

Did you have an opinion on this? Then post a comment.

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