The Humor That is American Idol
I don't follow American Idol, I just watch the auditions. It's the only time during the series when there's a little variety. It's the time when not every blond-haired, skinny white chick is trying to sing like she wants the whole, wide world to kiss her 300-pound, black ass. Some people actually try to be themselves. Hence, the humor.
If sociologists want to dress themselves up in lab coats and play science, then I have a suggestion. Here's a study you might want to pretend to conduct. How about looking into these people on American Idol?
Actually, I'm not so concerned about the people who perform on the show. I'm worried about these so-called "friends" who are telling all these people they can sing. The scary thing is, I actually believe the performers. I think some of them really do have friends. Today, one female performer repeatedly stated, "All my friends told me I have an amazing voice." Either her acting was as good as her singing was bad, or she really meant it. Her friends, therefore, are the ones responsible for everybody's torture.
So let's look at the two possibilities:
- Her friends are as stupid as she is.
- Her friends pride themselves on being such wonderful people that they're willing to lie to this woman's face just long enough for her to get on TV and embarrass herself in front of an entire country.
Anyone who advocates "white lies" ought to explain how white lies benefited these American Idol rejects. Is it especially compassionate to let these incompetents cry their makeup off on national television?
Telling yourself a lie is white is just a lie you tell yourself to get out of the responsibility of telling a hard truth. No one says it's necessarily easy. But if your friend can't sing, they can't fucking sing! You're the friend. I guarantee you that no one will tell them as nicely as you. If you don't do it, the world will, one way or another.
Hence, the humor.
Somebody Waxed Larry King
Larry King got waxed. Unfortunately, someone in the Mafia must have heard wrong. Thanks to Madame Tussaud's, this untalented imbecile will live forever. Thanks a lot, England. We chase you away one time, and as soon as we let you back, you bring us a fucking wax museum. Congratulations on being the world's first country to make the "Americanization" of culture sound like a good thing. I'll take an order of Hard Rock Café buffalo wings any day over a ticket to this open-casket, celebrity funeral.
(By the way, the only reason I even know there's a wax Larry King is that he used to stand out in front of the entrance to the NY location of Madame Tussaud's. Then somebody's opium high wore off and they realized Samuel Jackson might be a better choice to draw crowds.)
The day the real Larry King is buried in the ground is the day I prance through the fields and celebrate the joy of life. I might even hold a party. First, we'll go roller-skating. Then, we'll go to Madame Tussaud's. Then, we'll have pizza.
Some Hollywood marketing putz has decided that human beings should care about Larry King's opinion on movies, and now we have to hear Larry King quotes in movie commercials. I will never get used to this, no matter how many times I hear "The greatest movie I have ever seen... Larry King." Fuck Larry King! And fuck Hollywood marketing people. All things being equal, I say the movie is more likely to suck if Larry King likes it. Larry King is barely one notch above Wolf Ballscratcher from the Las Vegas Courier-Times Dispatch.
I understand that being a "film critic" is like being a professor of comparative breakfast cereals, but at least some of these idiots pretend to have some sort of expertise. Larry King's ability to roll himself out of bed and hobble over to his TV set is worthy of discussion, not by mankind, but by an advanced alien civilization interested in doing research on what exactly compels some old men to opt out of the euthanasia option. What Larry King thinks of the sneak previews that the movie studios send him in the mail is not something that interests me. Can't this brain-dead moron get back to botching interviews and boring audiences?
Here's what I want to know. How did a no-talent hack like Larry King ever get on TV in the first place? I don't remember seeing American Idol on the air in 1348. Twenty-five million people were killed in the plague. How did he squeak by?
Just kidding, Larry. I think you're great.
