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Page 1

My 2006 Election Write-In Candidates

by Jason Roth

The write-in screen in my New Jersey voting booth allows the voter 24 characters with which to express one's sarcasm. This wasn't enough for me to write an entire diatribe, so I opted for conciseness.

Admittedly, I have flip-flopped on the issue of whether to vote for "Abstain" or "Fuck you". In the end I decided on a compromise. Actually, make that a third alternative. (I'm tired of people calling a third alternative a compromise. On the question, "what is two plus two?", four is not a compromise between three and five.)

In the end, I decided to support neither candidate, but rather to send a message to the subnormal individual responsible for sorting out the Mickey Mouses from the Elvises and arriving at a decision as to who would be president if the 10,000 actual living human beings who were nominated should happen to be present at the same football game during a suitcase bomb attack.

If, in that event that Scooby-Doo should bow-wow out, then it is well within the realm of possibility that my Senatorial candidate, "Attack Iran", will pack his things and head for Washington, D.C. My Congressional candidate, "Reject Religion", might also start making more TV appearances, and all my candidates for local office, "Stop Raising Taxes", would have the honor of getting their names featured weekly in the Bergen Record.

Incidentally, I voted "no" on all three questions asking my permission to raise taxes. Although, I have a strong feeling that my local candidates would have found a way to reverse this vote.

Did you have an opinion on this? Then post a comment.

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