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The True Meaning of Xmas

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by Jason Roth

Despite all the commercialism, childish greediness, spiked eggnog, and endless gift-wrapped mountains of materialistic extravagance, there's a lot not to like about Christmas.

Number one on this list has to be "Happy Holidays".

"Happy Holidays" is the neutered expression we now have circulating amongst our politically-correct society. Don't get me wrong, I understand the reasoning behind it: Some of the coworkers, supermarket employees, and friends of friends we run into during these winter days might not actually be investing in a Christmas tree to celebrate their particular holiday. Therefore, let's skip the whole "I actually give a shit about you enough to find out what it is you are celebrating so that I can offer you the appropriate greeting", and cut to the chase.

"Happy Holidays, I gotta go, have a nice life."

Personally, the problem I have with "Happy Holidays" is that I don't actually want to wish someone a happy holiday if I don't endorse the particular holiday. "Happy Holidays" is a blank check on holiday endorsement. If you celebrate Kwanzaa, for example, by no means do I want you to have a happy one. If I did, I would have said "Happy Black Power Day". But I didn't, did I?

"Merry Christmas" isn't a bad alternative, but I have problems with this phrase, too. First of all, there's that glaring "Christ" thing sticking out like a sore thumb. (Make that a "sore stigmata".) I understand that Christmas, in essence, is not a religious holiday, which is why I participate in it at all. But can't we just go all the way and extricate Jesus Christ from Christmas entirely? When I bought the big Play-Doh activity set for a particular four-year-old girl in my life, the last thing I had on my mind was the son of God.

I challenge anyone to enter a Toys R Us and hold the image of a man dying on a cross for a duration of more than three seconds.

The second problem with the phrase "Merry Christmas" is the very problem that "Happy Holidays" was formulated for the purpose of solving. That is, not everyone celebrates Christmas. No one, however, celebrates "Xmas". (At least, not consciously.) Therefore, I recommend that we formally use the phrase "Merry Xmas" when spreading Xmas cheer throughout the Xmas holidays. Granted, no one will know whether or not you're being sarcastic or not, but so what? Don't worry about hurting the hard-core Christians' feelings. They already have to deal with the worldwide commercialization of Christmas, not to mention the question of whether the guy who delivered this week's Bible reading is fondling young boys. So a little sarcasm is nothing, believe me. And as to the religious non-Christians, a "Merry Xmas" is a welcome alternative. In fact, the "X" in Xmas can easily be taken algebraically. In other words:

Merry [Insert Your Holiday Here]mas!

Now that we've got that out of the way, what is the true meaning of Xmas?

As with many manmade creations, there's some good and some bad. Belonging to the latter group, we have the incessant Xmas music. If I'm trying to buy an ugly pair of purple mittens for a third-cousin in-law twice-removed, the last thing I want to hear is the sound of Bruce Springsteen's irritating "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" pounding upon my ear drums. Springsteen, quite possibly the most overrated rock musician next to Eric Clapton, comes back to haunt us year after year like Dickens' ghosts, and I've had enough.

And, please. Someone run me over with a reindeer if I ever hear "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" again. This song was mildly entertaining the first time it was played. Now, I can only pray that Superman will fly around the Earth several thousand times to increase the likelihood that Elmo Shropshire, the writer of that grating piece of noise pollution, will have an unfortunate ice-fishing accident before the thought of unleashing that Hell on Earth will have had the chance to blossom within his humanity-hating head.

Hmm... a new use for the future pluperfect tense. Something that might happen in the future, after time is reversed by Superman.

Speaking of irritating Xmas music, there's an "alternative rock" radio station here in New York that has what they call their "Twisted Christmas" show. Unfortunately, I don't think their supply of Nirvana versions of the classics is a very large pile, so even they've had to result to pulling out the Springsteen song. They did play my favorite Xmas song, though, so I won't bash them too much.

And, by the way, the only reason Run, Rudolph Run is so good is because it's just like every other Chuck Berry Song.

"Out of all the reindeer, you know you're the mastermind..."

You gotta love it. Chuck rules.

Let's see... in the "between good and evil" category of Xmas we have the "Yule Log" on TV. I shit you not, there are two stations in my cable service that are running the good old image of a burning log, complete with Xmas music. The Yule Log Channel always cracked me up. So, while I can't go as far as to call it a "good" part of the Xmas season, I can at least say it's provided me with a good laugh.

Another perennial favorite (of some people) is the It's a Wonderful Life marathons. I'm proud to say that, along with the entire Friday the 13th series of movies, I have never actually seen this one. From all the miscellaneous tidbits I've heard about it, I'd be willing to put down quite a large stack of money that I'd absolutely hate it. But I'll postpone condemnation until I actually see it.

An annual movie I do love is Santa Claus is Coming to Town. This was always, by far, my favorite Xmas movie. I guess it was the whole "Origin of the Superheroes" aspect of it. Finding out how Mr. Claus got his superpowers was super-cool. And claymation, shit. Don't even mess with claymation.

Back to my Xmas shitlist, we must again return to TV traditions. NBC, here in New York, has always felt the need to gather their entire news staff together to sing some bright and cheery Xmas song. Memo to the NBC program director: Christmas carolers are fucking annoying. If they ever showed up at my doorstep (which, might I add, would be in the middle of my apartment building hallway), I would either call the police or turn up the 80s new wave so loud that any attempt to "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas" would be drowned out by the Violent Femmes or Missing Persons.

Another Xmas memory I don't hold dear is the candy cane. Of course, it looks good and everything, but after eating a dozen or so candy canes, you'd rather eat a fucking pine tree. When I discovered the Hawaiian Punch candy cane, I converted immediately.

Reluctantly, I will add "Xmas lights and decorations" to the "good stuff" list. This one required a significant amount of thought (about five seconds' worth) before deciding not to trash it. The reason it was a difficult decision, of course, is the existence of the half-assed, fad-following, lighted-nativity scene-buying, randomly-blinking colored light-using segment of the population which insists on practicing home decoration without a license. Already this year, you may have spotted the new spirally-lighted fake Xmas tree that is making its appearance on people's lawns, in addition to the so-called "icicles" that everyone in the neighborhood nails up to the underside of their gutters.

So ok, I'm admitting it: I like looking at the Xmas lights. But can I make just one request? To all the fathers out there: If you're not even sure which fucking tie to wear with your dinner jacket, do us passersby all a big favor. Lay off the Xmas decorations. You know who you are. Usually, you have a line of red lights on top of one window blinking synchronously, while the white, green, and blue lights on the left side of your door are blinking randomly, and a big blow-up Santa is standing next to a plastic Mary, Joseph, and Jesus, and if you've really splurged, you've got a big "Christmas Flag" hanging from your porch. (Which begs the question: Does the country of "Christmas" have its own army?) Keep the lights simple, keep the plastic religious nonsense to a minimum, and you'll get a thumbs-up from me.

Finally, I'd like to propose one final Xmas Wish. What we really need, to really reinforce the true meaning of Xmas, is a Boston Catholic diocese-produced all-nude Xmas nativity scene. Think about it. Three wise men, a virgin, a bunch of barnyard animals. Do I have to spell it out for you?

Well, this is as good a place as any to end this thing.

Merry Xmas.

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