Let's see... in the "between good and evil" category of Xmas we have the "Yule Log" on TV. I shit you not, there are two stations in my cable service that are running the good old image of a burning log, complete with Xmas music. The Yule Log Channel always cracked me up. So, while I can't go as far as to call it a "good" part of the Xmas season, I can at least say it's provided me with a good laugh.
Another perennial favorite (of some people) is the It's a Wonderful Life marathons. I'm proud to say that, along with the entire Friday the 13th series of movies, I have never actually seen this one. From all the miscellaneous tidbits I've heard about it, I'd be willing to put down quite a large stack of money that I'd absolutely hate it. But I'll postpone condemnation until I actually see it.
An annual movie I do love is Santa Claus is Coming to Town. This was always, by far, my favorite Xmas movie. I guess it was the whole "Origin of the Superheroes" aspect of it. Finding out how Mr. Claus got his superpowers was super-cool. And claymation, shit. Don't even mess with claymation.
Back to my Xmas shitlist, we must again return to TV traditions. NBC, here in New York, has always felt the need to gather their entire news staff together to sing some bright and cheery Xmas song. Memo to the NBC program director: Christmas carolers are fucking annoying. If they ever showed up at my doorstep (which, might I add, would be in the middle of my apartment building hallway), I would either call the police or turn up the 80s new wave so loud that any attempt to "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas" would be drowned out by the Violent Femmes or Missing Persons.
Another Xmas memory I don't hold dear is the candy cane. Of course, it looks good and everything, but after eating a dozen or so candy canes, you'd rather eat a fucking pine tree. When I discovered the Hawaiian Punch candy cane, I converted immediately.
Reluctantly, I will add "Xmas lights and decorations" to the "good stuff" list. This one required a significant amount of thought (about five seconds' worth) before deciding not to trash it. The reason it was a difficult decision, of course, is the existence of the half-assed, fad-following, lighted-nativity scene-buying, randomly-blinking colored light-using segment of the population which insists on practicing home decoration without a license. Already this year, you may have spotted the new spirally-lighted fake Xmas tree that is making its appearance on people's lawns, in addition to the so-called "icicles" that everyone in the neighborhood nails up to the underside of their gutters.
So ok, I'm admitting it: I like looking at the Xmas lights. But can I make just one request? To all the fathers out there: If you're not even sure which fucking tie to wear with your dinner jacket, do us passersby all a big favor. Lay off the Xmas decorations. You know who you are. Usually, you have a line of red lights on top of one window blinking synchronously, while the white, green, and blue lights on the left side of your door are blinking randomly, and a big blow-up Santa is standing next to a plastic Mary, Joseph, and Jesus, and if you've really splurged, you've got a big "Christmas Flag" hanging from your porch. (Which begs the question: Does the country of "Christmas" have its own army?) Keep the lights simple, keep the plastic religious nonsense to a minimum, and you'll get a thumbs-up from me.
Finally, I'd like to propose one final Xmas Wish. What we really need, to really reinforce the true meaning of Xmas, is a Boston Catholic diocese-produced all-nude Xmas nativity scene. Think about it. Three wise men, a virgin, a bunch of barnyard animals. Do I have to spell it out for you?
Well, this is as good a place as any to end this thing.
Merry Xmas.
