For starters, the McDonald's Super-Sized Value Meal. The amount of French fries in a Super-Sized Value Meal has to be enough to feed an entire tribe of starving Africans. Chow down, I say. Personally, I can't even order Super-Sized Value Meals because they're just too damn big for me; I stick with the plain old large size. And that's what's so beautiful. We live in a world occupied by (A) a fast food restaurant, and (B) a fast food restaurant that serves a meal that's actually too large for some human stomachs!
Doesn't the Super-Sized Extra Value Meal make you want to get out and live?
And while you're at it, grab some Pop Rocks, put on some Moon Boots, take a ride on a Big Wheel, and listen to some good old fashioned punk rock music.
And by all means, strap on a Gummi Watch. I swear to God this exists. No, it doesn't tell time, but who the hell cares when you can eat the goddamn thing? An entire watch made out of 100% pure gummi. Please tell me - does it get any better than this?
Yes, it does.
You can find an Easter egg, unwrap a Christmas present, and eat more Turkey than a normal-sized human digestive tract can possibly digest. Then you can survive on nothing but Thanksgiving-leftover club sandwiches for three weeks afterwards.
Join my club. The club of living your life.
With everyone talking about how they care so much about human life, I'd just like to see someone actually living one. And as long as we have a world of people only getting what they need, it's not going to be a club with a very large membership. For the sake of your own happiness, what you really need are some things you don't need.
Did I really need the Change-Color Spoon that came free in my box of Froot Loops? Hell no. Which is precisely why I walked past the kitchen utensil aisle without temptation, but was a complete sucker in the cereal aisle. The Cocoa Pebbles weren't enough. No way - I had to get that Change-Color Spoon.
Let's make a deal. (A fun TV show to watch, by the way, as long as you mute out the commercials about sponsoring starving children.) If you still want to give that seventy-five cents to some starving kid you've never met, do it on one condition. Do it after you've gotten yourself at least:
And after treating yourself, you still have some spare change left for charity,
then go ahead,
Splurge.
