"This is my life! And if you're going to ask me to be a partner in someone else's misfortune just because I was fortunate enough to be born in a country where people feed dogs rather than eat them, then you can take that collection plate and shove it so far up your bleeding-heart liberal ass that your stomach protrudes like some African kid that got serenaded to death with ten thousand minutes of We Are the World and Do They Know It's Christmas and only wishes he could contemplate a country where people could feel guilty about eating food, let alone have enough money to spend on a can of bubbling brown liquid that exists for the sole reason that someone had enough fucking pride to believe his life was actually worth more than a sacrificial lamb to be chopped up and fed to anyone more miserable than himself!"
If you really want to save the humans, I say start with yourself.
Do you realize that we live in a world that not only contains cans of Coca Cola, but the 7-Eleven 36-ounce Big Gulp of Coca Cola? And hold on to your mouth watering lips, because the world gets even better than that. We live in a world that contains the Coca Cola Slurpee. That's right: the perfectly blended, ultimate pinnacle of soft-drink evolution - a Coca Cola drink made out of pure ice, churning tirelessly in a machine made for the sole purpose of filling your dollar-twenty-five chalice of plastic with the world's coldest, syrup-based liquid-popsicle, as refreshing as it is delicious.
Now take a breath. I am about to tell you that the world gets even better. I shit you not.
That's right, we live in a world that goes beyond mere Coke, mere Big Gulps, and mere Slurpees. We live in a world that contains the Slurpee Triple Splitz-O Cup that can be filled not just with one flavor of Slurpee, but with two other Slurpee flavors at the exact same time - all at one low price.
How in Man's Name can you waste a moment of your precious life feeling guilty in a world like this? I say you have not lived until you have experienced the Slurpee Triple Splitz-O Cup.
But if the Slurpee Triple Splitz-O Cup isn't reason enough to live, fear not. I can provide plenty more.
