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Saving the World From Islamic Jihad and Victoria's Secret

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by Jason Roth

In ancient India, society worshipped the warrior-prince. In Plato's Greece, they revered the philosopher-king. Here in America, we have the rebel-prude.

While the U.S. military is in the Middle East bravely trying to keep America's children safe from terrorism, the Federal Communications Commission is in Washington, D.C. keeping America's children safe from T&A.

FCC commissioner Michael Copps said on November 18 that the FCC's Enforcement Bureau would be looking into possible "indecent speech" violations by ABC.

Did ABC News report classified military information? Did they broadcast too many minutes of a bin Laden video with potentially coded messages? Did they somehow jeopardize the lives of American soldiers stationed in the Middle East?

Who cares? They broadcast The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

We're talking about some serious erect nipplage and uncovered ass cheeks here. You think we're going to let stuff like this get by unpunished? Hell, no. We're Americans.

We've got other things to worry about besides religious freaks, suicidal towel-headed maniacs, and whether a passenger plane is going to interrupt our day at the office. Imagine the potential havoc that could be wreaked by two-dozen half-covered tits.

Didn't somebody say something about our freedom being attacked on September 11? Our freedom to do what, for fuck's sake? Our "freedom" to go to church, play with G.I. Joe dolls, and learn to differentiate deer shit from bear shit with a bunch of Boy Scouts?

What about the freedom to broadcast soft-core porn and call it a goddamn "fashion show"? What about the freedom from having to flip through your girlfriend's or wife's Victoria Secret catalog ten minutes every month and pretend the girls are real human beings? What about the freedom to watch on television - or let your children watch - whatever the hell you want them to watch? Maybe the President should have specified which freedoms we're actually fighting for in this war.

Here are some other ways that private citizens are fighting terrorism and protecting our freedoms here at home:

• Banning Harry Potter books

Christian schools are banning the Harry Potter books because witchcraft is presented "in a positive light" (according to the principal of Holy Family Catholic School in Rockford, Illinois.) Harry Potter teaches that "young people should be rebellious" (from an administrator at Windsor Hills Baptist Church in Oklahoma City.) And Harry Potter "conditions children to think of witchcraft as harmless and even fun. That way, when the real antichrist arrives on the scene, they will be preconditioned to accept him." (So says a Christian "occult investigator".)

Harry Potter is the coolest mothereffer to arrive on this planet since Dirty Harry. And believe it or not, not every act of a literary figure waving a magic wand is going to convince your kids to mix ketchup and salamander tails and attempt to turn you into a pumpkin.

And hold on a second.

Aren't you idiots the ones who believe in dead people flying around playing harps and shit?

• Keeping the word "shit" off the airwaves during a terrorist attack

This was easily the most obscene act of non-journalism I witnessed during the September 11 news coverage. The word "shit" was bleeped from an interview with a NYC rescue worker.

A reporter was interviewing a fireman or emergency medical worker about what he had witnessed as the first World Trade Center tower fell. The heroic man described what he saw, and used the word "shit" to describe the debris and chaos. He said he was about to go back into the "shit" to help his fellow rescue workers. The interview concluded:

"You're going to go back after one of the towers just fell?" the reporter asked.

"What would you do?" the man replied.

The television networks repeatedly showed people falling from windows, airplanes crashing into buildings, people running from deadly clouds of debris, and skyscrapers collapsing to the ground, but they couldn't broadcast the word "shit". No further comment is necessary.

Is there any question why some Americans are seriously worried about their fate in this war, right now?

We're living in a society where people are afraid of naked breasts, fictional magicians, and heroes who say the word "shit". We're living in a society where people are in favor of dropping bombs on our enemies, but are afraid of what our children might do if our enemies don't kill them first. We're a society that fights for life, but is afraid to live it.

We're a society of rebel-prudes.

Ain't that America.

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