Somehow, Bob Hope made a career out of it. I guess you can't fight the war all the time. And it just so happens that we're pretty lucky in this respect. Not only are we not fighting all the time, we're barely fighting at all. That leaves plenty of time for the stage shows and wisecracks.
Maybe it's time to go back to this website's mission statement. That is: acknowledge that our ship is sinking, and have one last jam session before the goddamn saltwater short-circuits all the guitar amps. And what the hell, if we spot a rescue ship off in the distance, we can always fire off the flare gun once in a while.
It's not going to be easy at first. This kind of shit takes a serious attitude adjustment. We need to focus on the positives. You know, the ones that haven't been blown up yet. Like Barbara Streisand, for example.
I don't know about you, but I'm sure as hell glad Barbara Streisand wasn't trapped in a World Trade Center bathroom while dousing her nose with a half-kilo of powder. I'm selfish that way. I enjoy people's stupidity. Sure, I'd laugh if Saddam shot a fucking missile directly at her house, and oops, she happened to be in her private recording studio practicing for a Democratic fund raiser. No joke. That would be seriously funny. But would I really want to be deprived of her idiocy from that moment on? Hell, no.
Back in fifth grade, when a kid named Leeland was about to leave the class to move away with his family to some unknown town, I think I was the only person in the class who was actually mildly depressed. Did I like Leeland? (I shit you not, that was his name.) No, I didn't like him, per se. At least, not in the sense of "Hey, look out, Leeland, there's a big truck coming!" But I did like him in another, deeper sense. He amused me. Amusing, as in the Joe Pesci "You think I'm funny? Funny how?" sense of the term. I don't think the rest of my fifth-grade class fully appreciated Leeland's value. (Why do I think that? Maybe it was because the entire class applauded as he left the classroom.) His ridiculousness was about to be gone forever from my life. What a shame.
See, we're taught to stop and smell the roses, but we hardly, if ever, hear anything about stopping and laughing at the idiots. I don't know about you, but I don't want to live in a world without idiots. What am I going to make fun of? Imagine having to sit around every day, just waiting for some non-idiot to fuck up and do something truly idiotic. I'd pull my fucking hair out.
Thank God, my hair loss can come as a result of purely natural causes. Idiots are in abundance down here.
Hmm... I wonder if that means God was an idiot Himself? He did make us in His image, didn't He? Then again, we're not all idiots. Maybe there are two Gods. Maybe God has a slightly slower younger brother. Maybe God created the smart people, and God's retarded brother created the idiots.
I wonder if the platypus was God's retarded brother's idea.
