No matter how sticky your hands get from ketchup, the discomfort can't possibly compare with that of sitting through Christmas mass at Church. This holiday season, I want to offer thanks for ketchup.
Thank God that I gave up church, but not Heinz.
I can honestly say that Heinz Ketchup (not that cheap-ass Hunts crap) has made me happier than God ever has. It's amazing how a person can take ketchup for granted. I had a realization about this ten minutes ago, like Henry Heinz himself was speaking through me. I was just looking at the Heinz website, and seeing that famous Heinz Ketchup logo on a T-shirt was almost too much to handle.
The idea of a Heinz Ketchup logo on a T-shirt made me smile like a little kid. The idea of celebrating and showing off my love of Heinz Ketchup was too perfect. The H.J. Heinz Co. just got an easy $20 from me.
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Think about it. When was the first time you ever had ketchup? You can't remember, can you? That's what makes us take it for granted, but it's also what's so beautiful. Ketchup, a product that has made some aspect of our lives more enjoyable, exists because some person or people invented it. And we take its existence for granted so much that it almost seems like ketchup is just part of life.
(The immutable axioms of metaphysics: Existence, Identity, Consciousness, and Heinz Ketchup.)
Here's what made me smile - the following thought process:
- I've liked using ketchup for as long as I can remember.
- Ketchup didn't have to exist.
- But it does!
- People created it, Heinz perfected it, and thanks to them, I don't have to put hot sauce on absolutely everything!
I learned recently that my cousin's daughter, now that she has mastered control of the fork and spoon, must at times be banned from ketchup until a substantial quantity of other food has been cleared from her plate.
Why?
Because if she had her way, she'd eat nothing but a big pile of ketchup. Yes, as in straight Heinz Ketchup.
That's how good ketchup is to a kid. Well, as a kid I couldn't thank Mr. Henry Heinz and his predecessors, but now I can. And this holiday season - screw that, this Christmas season (after all, I don't celebrate Kwanza for Christ's sake), I'd like to offer my thanks.
And while the Heinz company might not be responsible for ketchup as such, they are responsible for something else. Have you been to a grocery store lately? I have. And in my hand right now is a bottle of:
EZ Squirt - Blastin' Green
A Kid Condiment Made With Real Heinz Tomato Ketchup
"Kid Condiment" my ass. Printing the words "Kid Condiment" onto a squeezable bottle of green ketchup is like stamping "for educational purposes only" onto a 101 Cumshots video.
If I could have red ketchup or green ketchup, what the living fuck do you think I'm going to have? Green, dammit!
Green ketchup!!! Yippee!! I am going to have the coolest goddamn hamburgers on the planet!! Christmas came early in my house, baby!
The only problem is that now I have to decide whether to buy green Heinz Ketchup or the Heinz Ketchup with Tabasco sauce added to it. (I guess the only solution is to alternate. Hmm... Ok, not a problem. I can live with that.)
So let me offer thanks:
To church: squat. To Heinz: thank you for giving me great tasting ketchup since I was a baby, and now green ketchup as an adult.
Sure, ketchup might get your hands sticky occasionally. But ketchup on your hands sure beats a stigmata.
Hey, why don't you buy your own Heinz Ketchup T-shirt?
Or read everything you ever wanted to know about ketchup.
Signing off, JR
