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John Kerry's 816-Word Concession Speech

by Jason Roth

Before I vote Bush out of office, I decided I wanted to know exactly what John Kerry would do in Iraq if he gets elected. Here's Kerry's strategy for Iraq, so you can read it for yourself. (Originally printed in The Washington Post on Tuesday, April 13, 2004.)

I have distilled the actual "strategy" statements out of Kerry's rambling piece of garbage. Presumably Kerry's goal was to bore you to death before you've finished it, thereby letting you pass from this Earth while still holding the assumption that maybe he does have some sort of coherent strategy.

The bulk of the essay, not surprisingly, is criticism of Bush. However, here are the five, and only, specific strategy statements:

1. "If our military commanders request more troops, we should deploy them."

2. "The United States can bolster [U.N. representative] Brahimi's limited leverage by saying in advance that we will support any plan he proposes that gains the support of Iraqi leaders."

3. "We also need to renew our effort to attract international support in the form of boots on the ground to create a climate of security in Iraq. We need more troops and more people who can train Iraqi troops and assist Iraqi police."

4. "We should urge NATO to create a new out-of-area operation for Iraq under the lead of a U.S. commander. This would help us obtain more troops from major powers... international acceptance of responsibility for stabilizing Iraq must be matched by international authority for managing the remainder of the Iraqi transition. The United Nations, not the United States, should be the primary civilian partner in working with Iraqi leaders to hold elections, restore government services, rebuild the economy, and re-create a sense of hope and optimism among the Iraqi people."

5. "The primary responsibility for security must remain with the U.S. military, preferably helped by NATO until we have an Iraqi security force fully prepared to take responsibility."

There are 816 words in Kerry's A Strategy for Iraq. The actual strategy is discussed in 199 words. By my calculations, this means Kerry is 75.6% full of shit.