On the New York subway last night, a man was offering a "homeless newspaper" for sale. Not a well-dressed man, of course, but that's not the point. The man's main sales line was "Help the homeless help themselves."
So I thought to myself: which was it? Were the homeless helping themselves, or was I supposed to help them? I've never seen a guy, for example, selling oranges, say to me as I passed by, "Help me sell oranges by buying some oranges."
Dude, I hate to tell you, but if you could sell an orange, you wouldn't really need my help to sell them. I mean, provide some kind of orange-related value to me and maybe I'll buy an orange. And if you can't, then for Christ's sake, try another business. Like selling apples, or window-cleaning, or I don't know, heart transplant surgery. I definitely don't want my surgeon asking me to "Help the surgeons help themselves." If that bastard can't remove my heart without my help, I'm probably not going to be very inclined to offer my help anyway.
Homeless newspapers, which seem to be a relatively new phenomenon, are probably the most humorous examples of charities (miserably) disguised as businesses. Here are more selling points from last night's salesman:
- a crossword puzzle
- everything you need to know about HIV
Everything I need to know about HIV? Great. Can I also get some information on financing a house, too? Or how about everything I need to know kicking my crack habit? Or how about some good consumer reporting on bath soap and hair-care products? Hey, if Paul Mitchell gets a thumbs-up from Bob the Wino, that'll definitely be my choice for hair gel.
Here's a thought. If these "homeless" writers (i.e., social workers) had an ounce of talent, why wouldn't they try to produce something of interest to somebody rather than try to pawn it off as "helping the homeless"?
Simple. Because it's easier to cash in on being homeless. Why bother working your ass off to write an interesting article, when you can just beg for sympathy?
Homeless newspapers are great, though, because they provide ready-made rationalizations. You give both the homeless guy and the guilty bastard on the subway the chance to rationalize that there's some sort of trade taking place. That is, one person exchanging money for an equal value, a newspaper.
Which is why these homeless newspaper "salesmen" piss me off. They always have to bring up the "help us" crap. Have some balls, man. Either sell or beg - make a choice one way or the other. You embarrass yourself as a salesman if you ask for help, and you embarrass yourself even more as a "homeless" person if you try offering selling points.
Yes, if I want to do a crossword puzzle, I'll get the Times.
Unfortunately, I suck at crossword puzzles. Maybe if 3 across were "Homonym for woman of valor or something that feels good when shot up" would be more my speed.
