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Healthy Fast Food and Cigarette Companies That Care
When Bad Companies Go Good
by Jason Roth
Have you seen the latest R.J. Reynolds anti-smoking commercial? Their PR team, working in beautiful harmony with their legal department, have chosen to brag about such wholesome, presumably court-mandated topics as:
- Their online "parents resource center" (for adult smokers who can't figure out how to say "Do as I say, not as I do" convincingly enough)
- Thousands of videotapes R.J. Reynolds has sent to convenience store owners to educate them on the fine art of attaching a "We Card" sticker to a plate-glass door
The best part of this commercial is a scene in which a store owner and employee are sitting in the back room watching the videotape. These two bozos are actually enraptured by the words of some socially conscious actor (socially conscious enough to work for a tobacco company) telling them how to say the words "Can I see some ID?" like the act is comparable to hostage negotiation. You ask for the goddamn ID, it's not brain surgery.
One can only imagine the contents of the videotape. I guarantee you that the phrase "facial hair" comes up at least once. E.g.:
"Don't let the presence of facial hair deceive you. If the customer looks as though he still may be able to piss without the aid of a plastic tube, you must ask for his birth certificate and passport, and count the number of rings in his asshole, or else you'll put us at risk of another class-action lawsuit, you pathetic stooge!"
Jesus Christ, where do the government regulations end, and the voluntary, self-sodomizations begin?
There's not a single human being who has ever watched one of these R.J. Reynolds anti-cigarette commercials and actually said:
"Wow. You know, honey, I never realized how caring these drug pushers were. All this time, I thought they just wanted us to smoke until our lungs fell out. But now I realize that deep down, they're really just selling us this stuff so that they can help us to quit! I feel so warm and fuzzy, I think I'll go out and buy some more cigarettes. You know, to help spread the fucking love!"
Everyone who watches these things (except, of course, for the people who make them) know bullshit when they see it. But even if there were people watching these commercials who actually wanted to educate themselves about the hazards of smoking, do you really think they'd do it with literature produced by R.J. Reynolds? Sure. And if I'm on the fence about religion, I'm going to read the fucking Pope's argument against the existence of God. And please, Mr. Used Car Salesman, tell me why I shoudn't buy this car.
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