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The Amazing Inflatable Gay Snoopy

"Gay Pride", Real Pride, and Why All Parades Generally Suck

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by Jason Roth

"Gay pride" parades are an interesting phenomenon. Rather than dragging around a bunch of inflatable, gay Snoopies, or even driving flower-covered trailers (which, frankly, I'd expect to see at a "gay pride" parade even more than I would at the Tournament of Roses), instead, these "gay pride" parades feature half-naked bodies, S&M displays, and, of course, one shit load of flamboyance.

The question is: what is "gay pride"? The word "pride" is defined as the state of having self-esteem. But what exactly is the object of one's esteem, when one exhibits "gay pride"?

Let's see. I tried to think of similar uses of the word "pride", uses which specify a type of pride. A quick search on the Web resulted in:

• "Jersey Pride"

• "Atlanta Pride"

• "Utah Pride"

• "Southern Pride"

I even found:

• "DOJ Pride"

• "Black Pride NYC, Inc."

If I told you that all of these were organizations, you might assume, for example, that "Jersey Pride" is a group of people who believe that their home state, New Jersey, is an exceptional place to live.

However, you might be interested to know every one of these organizations is a gay organization. That is, every one except "Southern Pride", which, interestingly, is a manufacturer of industrial barbecue equipment. (I have a feeling that "Southern Pride" may have started out as a gay organization, until a bunch of gay-haters decided to beat the shit out of the gays and start cooking meat.)

The funniest group of all of these has got to be "DOJ Pride". This organization defines itself as:

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Employee Association of the U. S. Department of Justice

This is an organization we really need. You know, to make sure nobody hogs the gay computer operating system market. (Programmed entirely in LISP, of course.) It would be a real travesty of justice if every time I turned on my computer, Richard Simmons was there to tell me I've got mail. If "DOJ Pride" decides to get a mascot, I recommend a transvestite holding a scale. Maybe with a pink robe.

I guess the point is that there really is no other common, similar use of the word "pride". I can, however, imagine terms like "athletic pride" or "military pride", to signify pride in a school's athletic program or a country's military. And indeed, a Yahoo search does bring up these phrases with such uses. They're not common, but they exist.

So if "military pride" is pride in one's military, "gay pride" must be pride in one's gayness, right? As opposed to "I happen to be gay, and I happen to be proud", the phrase must mean "I am proud of the fact that I am gay."

So what's to be proud of? I'm not particularly "proud" of the fact that I prefer sex with women over men. Why does "pride" enter the equation just because another man's ass is involved? I mean, I like sex as much as the next person. I like doing it, I like thinking about it, and I like planning to do it. I even like thinking that I might be doing it, and doing it while thinking about how much I like it. (And thinking about how I was just thinking about it before and voila, here I am doing it now.)

It should be clear; I really do not have anything against sex. Nevertheless, I can't say that I'm "proud" to do it or that I can do it. It's an enjoyable activity, but it's part of my nature.

I'm not proud that I have two arms instead of three, nor that I like ice cream and not Brussels sprouts. Now, you could say that I'm proud of my philosophy. Or the amount of weight I can curl in the gym. You might even say that I'm proud of my abilities in having sex. Not that I have sex per se, but that I haven't gotten any complaints about how.

So in actuality, I don't think "gay pride" is about the sex. I think it's about being "proud" to be part of a group of similar people. I.e., the pseudo-self-esteem that comes from belonging to a mob. It's not good enough for these particular gay people to have jobs, go to the movies, and have gay sex. They need to take their clothes off together and flaunt their sexuality in front of the world. It's like raising a limp-wristed middle finger to the world and saying, "Yeth, we're gay whether you like it or not!"

Pardon me for the tone of sarcasm. It's just that when someone feels compelled to insinuate that I'm living in the stone age and that I'm part of the boring "middle-class America" status-quo who needs to be waken the fuck up because I'm not fucking accepting enough of their sexual orientation, I get a little touchy.

I have no desire to have a "Pussy Licking Parade" down 6th Avenue through Chelsea, just because it'll send shivers down the backsides of the homosexuals who reside there. Why do the paraders insist on sharing their sexual preferences with me? Isn't sex a private affair? As far as I know, if you need to fuck outside with people watching in order to get off, it's considered a neurosis. It's got to be at least a borderline neurosis to need to simulate sex on a moving trailer in order to prove to yourself that you have "pride".

People who have actual pride don't need the reactions of others in order to feel good about themselves. They feel pride because of their accomplishments and because they, alone, have come to the opinion that those accomplishments are worthy of the thumbs-up. They need neither other people to tell them "good job" nor (as in the case of many of the "in your face" homosexuals) do they need a reaction of shock or disapproval from those whom they don't respect.

A gathering of people who share similar values is a far cry from a "gay pride" parade. Gay parties, gay bars, even gay gun clubs are understandable. If you want to hang out with other gay people, fine. You don't need me to watch you being gay at the gay bar, why do you want me watching you on the gay parade float?

Let's clear up one more thing. Parades in general are pretty fucking ridiculous. For some reason, Irish people like to march around in a drunken stupor on St. Patrick's Day, trumpet players like to march in negative thirty-degree weather on New Year's Day, and some fat bastard in a Santa Claus suit likes to ride on the back of a fire engine in the middle of fucking July. Why do we do this to ourselves? Do we not already have a sufficient number of anti-heroes in the world to satisfy our thirst for humility? Can't we drop the lawn chairs, water coolers, and half-melted cheese sandwiches and firmly resolve never to watch another group of idiots marching down a fucking street? Is this the only thing we can think of to show our pride in something?

I like fireworks; I say we stick with the fireworks. I recommend, as a first step, that we stop the "gay pride" parades in favor of "gay fireworks". Then, if gays insist on phallic patterns in a rainbow of colors across the night sky, I might actually be amused. They can even decorate the roman candles like dildos, for all I care.

Homosexual groups (and there's a reason I say "groups" rather than "individuals", because "it takes a village" to be this fucking stupid) are trying to do something somewhat diabolical. (Picture a gay Hitler.) In advancing the term "gay pride", homosexual groups are trying to commandeer a perfectly legitimate word like "pride" just like they did with the word "gay".

I can deal with not being able to use the word "gay" to describe my day at the beach. Most likely, it's because I've never had the original meaning of "gay" in my vocabulary. But I'll be damned if I have to switch to "self-esteem" just because a bunch of men with fake tits and women in overalls decided that saying the word "pride" enough times would miraculously instill them with it.

So what have we learned?

1. A gay time at the beach involves wieners, but not hot dogs.

2. Pride is about doing stuff to be proud of, not about which hole you prefer to rub your private parts against.

3. Parades suck.

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