STH Newsletter

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In Defense of Large
Fake Breasts

by Jason Roth

The ten benchmarks of breasts you can trust:

1. They look like breasts.

   The breasts should serve to make the woman look attractive as a woman. Not as an elephant or a space alien. Therefore, if you're tempted to feed the breasts peanuts or to report them to the FBI, you may be dealing with a bad boob job.

2. They feel like breasts.

   It's hard enough to get a woman's bra off in a hurry. The last thing you want to find are two objects resembling rotten grapefruits or broken light bulbs. Also keep your ears open for women who discuss their breasts using words like "prickly", "jagged edges", or "squishy".

3. They're attached to a woman.

   Women have breasts, so it makes sense that women should be the ones who augment their breasts. Not men, not five-year-olds, not Fifi your pet bunny rabbit. A corollary of this point is that the breasts should be attached to the woman at all times. Beware of breasts seen jettisoned into outer space. What you thought was a woman is most likely a reptilian cyborg porn star.

4. They come in pairs.

   Ever sit in a seedy bar late at night, smoke blurring your vision as you finish your last sip of bourbon, when suddenly a lone breast asks you to dance? If it hasn't happened yet, one word of advice: dance. While your instinct might be to run, do whatever the breast says. Peaceful breasts always stick together.

5. They don't rattle when shaken.

   When you hear strange noises coming from a car's engine, isn't that a good sign not to have sex with the automobile? Of course. Similarly, strange noises coming from breasts are also a sign of danger. If the rattling comes at regular intervals, sounding more like a ticking sound, drop the breasts and immediately run for cover.

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