Did I just watch the same speeches as the TV journalists? I haven't seen a pair of speeches get more glorified since the kid with the weak legs in my elementary school's special ed. class got commended for his ability to retain saliva.
I must be blind. The way the networks' talking heads talked about Al Gore made me think I completely missed the opportunity to witness the world's most beautiful naked woman strip for a quarter of an hour. Al Gore, even more than usual, had less personality than a vampire in an Ed Wood movie. The guy was, and is, a talking (and, at times, moving) robot.
There was as much sincerity in Al Gore's tone of voice and facial expressions as there is butter in a loaf of Homepride Butter-Topped Wheat bread.
Geesh. No more similes. I promise.
I have to admit something, though. I got off on seeing that evil bastard fake it. His faking abilities were even worse than usual. I know that, deep down, that pseudo-man was squirming like a Texan on death row. (A death row which, by the way, Gore heartily supports.)
What irritated me most about Gore's concession speech was that I couldn't find my copy of Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye. Damn, it must have been in the car. Instead, I had to settle for blasting Shake a Tail Feather and Ain't That a Shame.
And yes, I'm serious. The only detail I left out was that I also opened up a bottle of Sam Adams. What could be more patriotic than drinking Sam Adams and listening to Shake a Tailfeather while Al Gore packs his ass in and walks off into the sunset?
Is there an opposite of the act of toasting? I'm not aware of it. But if one can have a beer in honor of someone failing, I did it. Oh yeah, I was all but dancing, baby.
Goodbye, Al Gore, and good riddance. You fraud, you man-hating environmentalist, you capitalist-hating, socialist-loving, looting, mooching, robot-acting, career-politicizing, plastic-faced, stiff-bodied, gutless, lying, washed-up loser.
I'd now like to pause to thank G.W. for something.
But first, I'd like to pause from my pause. I'm listening to Elvis Costello's This Year's Model right now, and...damn. Songs like "Radio, Radio" and "(I Don't Want to Go to) Chelsea". Not bad at all. Quite a satisfactory prelude to the NOFX I'm about to put on. Anyway.
Let's unpause the paused pause and go back to the pause.
Mr. Bush, you saved me from some moderate to severe guilt. I never did reserve the URL algoresucksass.com. If Gore had won, and someone had reserved it, I would have been damn pissed. So I thank you, Mr. Bush, for not allowing that to happen.
But enough with the thank-yous. Here's what you emphasized in your speech, Mr. Bush:
- strengthening Medicare
- saving Social Security
- bipartisanship
- compassionate conservatism
To which party do you belong, Mr. Bush? I did vote for a Republican, didn't I? But I'm not going to pretend to be surprised. I knew what I was getting. The final straw that got me to vote for Bush was the president of the NY Young Republican's Club eloquently stating that Bush is "a step in the right direction". As tonight's speech reminds me, it might be a baby step, but I think it's a step.
But god dammit. Bush said he wants to stand for principle. Which one?? I have yet to hear him name one. Mr. Bush, you just can't have your integrity and eat it, too.
I'll say one thing for G.W. Bush. He's going to get laid tonight like he's never been laid. I saw his wife's face during his speech. She might not be his first lady, but she's going to do him like his last. G.W. better be prepared for the sex of his life.
Enough with sex. Let's talk about Dan Rather. (About as sharp a contrast with sex as you can get.) One of the first things that undead bastard said after Bush stopped talking is the reason Bush's head was moving back and forth so much was because he was reading from a teleprompter.
This, coming from a man that hasn't reported since, when - the Vietnam War? World War II? Jesus Christ, Dan, you non-emotional, non-talented, card-reading bastard - you even mentioning G.W. reading from a teleprompter? How about speaking with half the passion of a Hooked On Phonics commercial actor? Do that, then you can talk about people reading off a teleprompter.
Now, flip the channel. Tim Russert. I give the guy credit. He's one of the few commentators that showed some passion, some real enthusiasm (not to mention skill) for what he was doing during this election mess.
But the way he glorified both speeches tonight was lamer than Forrest Gump at a pre-game pep rally.
I mean, come on, Tim. The speeches (especially Gore's) were conventional garbage.
Wait a second. It didn't hit me until this moment. But of course. The commentators were glorifying the speeches so much (even Bush's) because it justifies their existence. It elevates their own jobs, and the function of network news in general, to glorify what they've been reporting for weeks and weeks. Bastards.
I did want to comment on Phil Graham's "representing the will of the people" B.S. But let's skip that. There's two more important points that need to be mentioned:
- How many more times are we going to hear about "healing the nation"? Is anyone injured? Who the hell needs healing? Jesus H. Christ. Somebody give Tom Brokaw a hug already. (Can you imagine that guy during sex? I bet he's the only guy in the history of the planet to cross his legs during a blowjob.)
- The Castaway commercial. I'm actually looking forward to this movie. But damn Hollywood marketing people to hell. Sure, I've defended them. But do they really need to give away the entire plot of the movie? Eff yew.
One final thought:
Please tell me. Is Dan Rather dead yet?
P.S. So this is my first daily rant. Let's see how long it lasts. Most of them probably won't be nearly this long. But they'll be as good.
P.P.S. Two random CD recommendations:
Don't Worry, Be Happy by Freeheat
Dude Ranch by Blink 182
Signing off,
JR
