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Alcohol: The Healthy Alternative to a Boring Society
by Jason Roth
Movies. Everyone likes movies, and once in a while, due to the laws of probability (or statistics, or whatever field likes to try to predict this kind of shit), a boring person will have stumbled upon a movie whose merits exceed that of a Rob Schneider/Adam Sandler "guy who dies and comes back as a six-year-old girl who can talk to animals and is sent to live with his rich uncle while working undercover with the FBI and falls in love with the girlfriend of a pompous, yuppie prick that evidently has so little taste that not only will she fuck the pompous prick, but shit, she'll even take Rob Schneider or Adam Sandler" movie. You know, that kind of movie.
Once in a while, you can actually bridge the gap between the perceptual level of pretty dresses, sports pages, and "I love what you've done with your hair", and the conceptual level of character, plot, and no, I am not talking out of my ass, ethics. A decent movie can actually serve as the basis for a human conversation. Once in a while, I even try to slip in a heretical question like "Why did you like that movie?" And sometimes, I even hear something other than "I don't know, I just liked it."
But this conversation thread will not last, unless you talk so loudly and quickly that not a single person is free even to enter into it. But then, if you're just going to talk to yourself, why not get the hell out of there and do it in the comfort of your own home? Or at least do it while walking down the sidewalk with the rest of the people who are bored with society, so you can achieve the dual purpose of having an intelligent conversation and seeing the amusing looks of passers-by who are convinced that you are clinically insane. (It's ironic that talking to yourself at a party will get you rude looks, whereas talking to yourself on a sidewalk will often get you spare change.)
So, the whole movie idea will only postpone the inevitable. Eventually, conversation will deteriorate back to the level of an infant who hates his job, eats too much, and only wishes he could remember what it was like to sleep with his wife before his world came to a slow, boring halt, and he became a zombie wandering the Earth like a bedless, wireless version of a coma patient.
Enter alcohol.
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