In Olympian terminology, "anti-doping" is the organized effort to prevent and eliminate drug use in Olympic competition. In my terminology, anti-doping is what should be done to the dopes in the International Olympic Committee.
(If there's a urine test for anti-doping, please let me know. I would have felt a lot cleaner examining the IOC's urine than I do now having evaluated their ideas.)
Now, after careful thought and consideration about the IOC's policies, I am announcing my refusal to exhibit my ping-pong talents at the 2008 Summer Olympics. And no, it's not just because I would get my ass kicked by Chinese catering personnel, let alone by actual Olympic competitors. My literal and spiritual absence from the 2008 Olympics will be due to the International Olympic Committee's decision to hold the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing.
Herewith, I announce the following:
I, Jason Roth, do hereby rescind my support for the 2008 Olympic Games.
I, Jason Roth, officially declare my objection to the IOC's choice for the site of the 2008 Olympics, and will stage an official protest against the Games in the summer of 2008.
My protest will be non-violent in nature. It will be comprised of separate and distinct counter-demonstrations such as swimming, playing tennis, going to the movies, drinking beer, and watching even less Olympics on TV than I usually do during an average Olympic summer. Furthermore, I will continue to shun Chinese cuisine in favor of what I find to be the more flavorful Asian cuisines, such as Japanese, Thai, Korean, and Malaysian. Above all, I will continue to fund the Hollywood exploitation of Jackie Chan, except in the circumstance that I get bored of seeing the same plot for the 18th time or in the case that Mr. Chan accidentally falls through a mulching machine while performing one of his own stunts. Finally, I will continue to add the words "in bed" after reading fortune cookie messages, as my own little way of demeaning and ridiculing high-ranking officials in the Chinese government.
Why am I taking such drastic measures?
Because according to the International Olympic Committee, a nation's human rights record is irrelevant to its qualification as a candidate for hosting an Olympic Games. (Didn't expect this to finally get serious, did you?) That's right, the IOC finds attributes other than human rights advocacy to be more significant and worthy of mention. For example...
