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Vagina Is Not a Panacea (Though It May Feel Like One)
...The Making of A Trilogy
by Aaron Kendall
So, no, I'm not suggesting that you approach a romantic prospect in a Kenjutsu defensive posture, katana in hand and ready to "cut the bastard down" at the first trace of possible disappointment (though you should still steer away from the "Well, if I have to pick somebody, I guess that I'll pick..." syndrome. If you don't watch it, that disease could quickly turn into a nasty case of "Well, if I had to have sex with a transvestite, it would be that one."). No, I'm suggesting something else. Since most of you are not omniscient (and, for argument's sake, let's assume for now that I'm included in that target group), your mind can only do so much with a limited amount of information. So, when you're on your next reconnaissance mission at your local bar (or any other institution that sponsors alcohol-induced drama), keep this advice in mind: keep an eye out for the "outline" of the person you're looking for.
Now, does this mean that you should be listening on the police radio, running to murder scenes where the guy with chalk is encircling some dead guy's head? In the case that you haven't figured it out... no. Well, unless you're a necrophile...but, then again, your version of an outline is somebody's skeleton, ya fuckin' freak...So, what do I mean? Well, think of the person who you're looking for, and then focus on that person's qualities. Then, abstract...no, don't start drawing concentric circles on the walls of the Guggenheim. Not that kind of abstract...I'm talking about the "good" kind. Yes, think of what a person with those qualities would say or do...maybe how they would laugh or look at you...maybe even the tone or strength of their voice. Or (for me)...how they would respond to a humorous series of articles with the word "vagina" in its title. (Oddly enough, I've noticed that a few women frown upon the idea of having the word "vagina" in the title of an article written by a man...especially when we all know that its appropriate place should be in huge letters which are illuminated by the lights of Broadway.)
An example? Hmmm...well, since we've been going out for two articles now, I guess that I can trust you...All right, let's use one of mine as an example. I've always thought that I'd probably meet the ultimate woman at the last (or penultimate) place that I could think of and that upon meeting her, she'd do one of (or a couple of) three things: she would correct me in an off-hand way, she would mock me in a benevolent way, or that she would playfully strike me. Now, for all of you that are writing emails that suggest the best local dominatrix in the New York City area, just know that I have beat you to the punch and have rendered your insults powerless. So, what do all of these traits indicate? With the first, there's a great chance that she "knows her shit", and when she offers her knowledge in an off-hand way, it's very likely that she's not condescending in sharing it with others. With the second, she's very likely a person who feels confident enough to judge something that you do as silly and yet does not equate the possession of one silly trait as a person who is entirely silly. And with the third, there's a good chance that she's not afraid to push or nudge you in order to let you know that she's there...because she wants to remind you that she's there. She wants your attention, and she is determined to get it.
Is this a fool-proof idea? No. Is this the only one that I use? No. Is it a useful way to gauge people that you meet and save you the anguish of carrying around a clipboard all day? Hell, yeah. Would I recommend doing something like this? Absolutely. For those of us who are not willing to invest huge amounts of time and money but are still looking for results, we cannot expect our potential boyfriends/girlfriends to drop an orgy of evidence at our feet; instead, we must be aware of our environment and of all the available clues presented to us. We must find the romantic equivalent of a "precocious child", of a potential which (with a little work) will likely become exactly or nearly exactly what we want. Of course, some people will look at this method and laugh it, calling it "cold" and "calculated." And you know what? They can laugh all they want...but if I ever meet a woman who sets off the gauge's alarm, there's a good chance that I've just proven them wrong... And they're gonna feel like a total ass when it turns out to be the real deal. Because I will love her with complete conviction...and you can't beat that. You can never beat that.
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