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Vagina Is Not a Panacea (Though It May Feel Like One)
...The Making of A Trilogy(read part I or part II)
by Aaron Kendall
[The music plays triumphantly as the curtain lifts to reveal a bold, bright neon sign which reads "And Now It's a Trilogy".] Wow, that's a beautiful neon sign...If you could only see it, bright and vivid in all of its abstract glory within my imagination...And the streaks of light as Tron speeders race over it...beautiful...So, did I plan on this being a trilogy? Uhhh...sure I did...oh, yeah...What? Why are you looking at me like that? You don't believe me? I...ummm... okay, so, maybe it was partially true...to a lesser extent... all right, it was a big lie. After mentally chewing on the issue for a while, the first two of the VINAP Chronicles (don't you just love acronyms?) were constructed with the sole purpose of being entirely critical. Of course, I love to be critical; that has never been an area of contention. However, I only favor an analysis that both chastises you with a verbal whipping and offers you a helping hand afterwards. So, after writing the equivalent of corporal punishment for two sessions, it's about time for a little "pep talk."
So, after the last two articles in this series, some people might get the impression that I am suggesting a draconian policy towards conducting romantic relationships, where I expect people to never embrace another unless the other meets a 100% score on some arbitrarily-chosen test, perhaps with questions of your own invention. In fact, after reading the previous articles, I'm willing to bet that some people envisioned my concept of a date as me sitting rigidly across a dinner table from my date, asking questions with a clipboard in my hands as I stomp angrily in a pair of Gestapo-style boots...
- Me: Achtung! Now, vhat ist your answer to the following question...if ich vere to be offered a new career in a new place, and you did not want to move away from ein family, vhat would you do? Do not wait! Answer now!
- Nervous Woman: I...uh....I don't know...maybe I would go with you...it just depends on if I had my own career going at the time and on where you were moving to...
- Me: Nein! Nein! That ist not a good answer! Vhere ist your spreadsheet that covers all possible permutations which ist implied by my question? You vere not prepared for this!
- [I write ferociously onto the clipboard with a spiteful look on my face.]
- Nervous Woman: Uhhh...what are you writing?
- Me: Nothing that your stupid little brain would understand! Now, vhat ist the best position for "make-up" sex?
- Nervous Woman: I...I don't know...is it "doggy-style?"
- Me: Lugner! Lugner! Ein ist a liar! Ein knows it to be "reverse cowgirl!"
- [I pick up the nearby glass of water and throw it in her face.]
Yeah...that's not exactly what I've been suggesting all along. Well, the boots aren't so bad...speaking of boots, the "'F' me" boots that the girls were wearing a few years back could distract me from defusing a nuclear bomb...Of course, the recent "mini-skirt" craze which has replaced the "'F' me" boots is a damn good trade, so I don't really miss the boots all that much...but I digress (yet again)...
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