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Vagina Is Not a Panacea (Though It May Feel Like One)
by Aaron Kendall
Why does a conversation like this suddenly remind me of that autistic movie "The Family Man"? Remember? The movie that was so horrible that it could shut down the olfactory functions in your body? Yeah, that big pile of shit. I would rather have watched the movie about the two crazy homosexual scientists who rampantly have sex in order to create a genetically-altered "shit baby", but I don't have the money to make that movie just yet...
Now, for those of you that remain in benighted times, "The Family Man" is a contemporary reversal of "It's a Wonderful Life". The main character is a big-time Wall Street guy with a nice edition of life (i.e., the cool job, the cars, the hot chicks, the big pile of cash), and then he "magically" wakes up one day as a family man who apparently never learned the lesson of birth control since he's practically swimming in kids. How did this "magic" happen? Thank the powerful imagination of a coke-snorting sell-out of a scriptwriter in downtown L.A. Yes, in the movie, Cage's wealth, power, and fun job are gone, but he still has his family. Sniff, sniff. Wait, let me go get some salt and rub it in my eyes...Ahhhh, good, now we have some tears to make that "sniff, sniff" so much more authentic. As I was saying...now, the question is "Do I have anything against families or romantic relationships?" When a family brings their little bastard kids into my movie theater and ruins the $10 which I just spent? Yes. When they bring their crying babies onto my plane (and, yes, I want to test the laws of gravity by chucking those little bastards out the window)? Yes. When it's presented as a concept? No. I don't have a problem with that. When I have to violate my principles of a relationship in order to attain either? Let's see...if I took my two middle fingers, rammed them into your eye sockets, and then invented the "Ass-Cam" by shoving your eyeballs up your ass, would that clearly be understood as meaning "no"?
To me, it's plain and simple: people should have relationships with one another in order to benefit from them. In the company of another that you care about, you should only experience the things that matter: a lunch where you reminisce about the last great episodes of Upright Citizens Brigade, a movie after which you can express admiration and/or condemnation to each other, or a sincere talk concerning the lack of romance in your life. For me, it's especially important that my friends be people for whom I have a great deal of respect. Of course, I'm talking about...wait a second...make sure that nobody is around...yeah, check that cabinet over there...there might a midget listening to us, like that creepy little bastard from Fantasy Island...nobody there?....good. Okay, here it is. Standards. Oh, fuck...I said it! Don't tell anybody, okay? I could get in big trouble if someone found out...all right, here's ten bucks to keep your mouth shut...you extorting asshole...
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