STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

They Slid Their Way East

by Aaron Kendall

I generally don't like to become a participant in the more general rivalries, particularly when the intellectual composition of the conflict's two sides resembles something I've seen on a National Geographic special. However, I must throw my hat into the ring of hip hop and admit one thing : I be an East Coaster. True dat, yo. Bling bling this, West Coast!

Where, you ask, is all of this animosity coming from? Well, to be honest, I wouldn't bitch about the West Coast if it kept its bidness in its own neigh-ba-hood. If the West Coast decided to burn down its own cities and loot its own neigh-ba-hoods, I wouldn't have any problem wid dat. They do that pretty good on their own. Yo. If the West Coast doesn't want to have electricity, I be cool wid dat, too. If the West Coast wants to embrace and implement any number of philosophies which would create a virtual hell on Earth and which would make Stalinist Communism look like Disneyland, they be certainly welcome to do so. My problem, though, is that they be showin' disrepect to my neigh-ba-hood by bringing theiz shit out here. Now, when that happens, we got a mothafuckin' problem.

For those of you who don't be livin' in the big NYC, we got a mayor who be a donkey wearin' some elephant skin. That be our mayor Mista Bloomberg. A while back, California be layin' some anti-smokin' lawz that be mad stupid, but since it don't touches us in NYC, so I was just laughin' ats da time. But it seems that Mista Bloomberg and some of his posse be runnin' with the West Coast...and now he wants to be layin' some of that same anti-smokin' shit here. I axe you...What the fuck is be going down, yo? Iz New York City gonna be going to be Newz Loz Angelez some day? Well, I's be talkin' to some of my peeps, and I's beez has been listening heard some of the new shit that be headin' this way from Cali. Check out this scary shit...

1. All "Got Milk" ads featuring women are to be banned since they depict women as sexual objects.

2. Anti-monopoly "Monopoly" laws are to be established, so that no one person can own all of the money in the game Monopoly.

3. Laws will be passed that ban the driver from eating a four-course meal while driving the car.

4. After Number 3 has been passed and has not quite covered all bases, more subsequent laws will then be passed which will ban the driver from being a retard while being behind the wheel.

5. After Number 4 offends a certain portion of the populace, the law will be rewritten so that it bans the driver from being a "brain challenged" person while being behind the wheel.

6. A law will be passed which will make it illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent. However, it will allow anyone to beat a white, heterosexual male with a tire iron at her/her general whim.

7. In order to prevent the spread of AIDS and other STDs, bathhouses will become strictly prohibited. And, in order to prevent the spread of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, every man will be required to report to his local hospital, where he will be promptly castrated.

8. Real estate laws will be rewritten. In the case where you are a property owner and where you find yourself in a land dispute with a squirrel which lives on your property, the squirrel automatically wins out. You are then required to vacate the premises, after you first attach your mailbox to the squirrel's tree and change the name on the mailbox to "Mr. Squirrel".

9. If the scenario in Number 8 involves a squirrel who has a family, you will be legally required to pay for its children's tuition when they attend college.

10. Legislation will be passed, making it illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear. However, if a homeless person offers to wash your car with his own used underwear or his own urine for $10, you are legally required to do so under the mandate of Gray Davis' "Trickle Down" economics.

11. Murder laws will be amended so that the taking of any life will be considered an act of murder. Consequently, if one contracts and then survives a common cold, that person's white blood cells will be put on trial, charged with "viralcide". If convicted, the trillions of cells will be placed in a maximum security prison, but the parent of the guilty may have visitation rights to his/her blood cells.

12. New laws will prohibit mass looting and pillaging unless certain conditions are met, those being a.) the mass must cite their need to express anger over a racial/sexual/geopolitical issue, b.) the target of said looting and pillaging lies within their own congressional district, and c.) the mass must present a permit for such said looting and pillaging.

13. Sunshine will become guaranteed to the masses, which will then be followed by (in chronological order) guarantees of water, lawnmowers, money, monkeys, bananas, and Mexicans.

14. Under new laws, the new "One Breast for One Breast" health plan will have the local municipal government pay for the augmentation of one breast if the female patient pays for the other out of her own pocket or if she performs fellatio on a popular politician.

15. Law will demand that all smokers, their family, their friends, and their pets must be executed immediately.