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Spock Needed to Get Laid Printable Version

by Aaron Kendall

O.K., I'll go ahead and admit it...I liked to watch Star Trek... and I still like it, damn it! I'm no Trekie, but I like to watch Captain Kirk whoop some alien ass. Captain Kirk was basically an intergalactic John Wayne, kicking the living shit out of any alien who happened to be a mean prick.

However, as much as I liked watching the show, one part of the show irritated me, even as a kid. All right, I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was as a kid (since I was too busy trying to survive the South Carolina public school system), but I know that something about it bothered me even then...and, one day, everything was crystal clear. What bothered me was the all-too-often use of the ultimate dichotomy accepted by most people: emotions versus reason. That's right, I'm talking about Spock versus Kirk.

Kirk was the guy who lived on "instincts", and Spock put all of his Vulcan dollars on reason. Even though Kirk supposedly was about "instincts" and emotions, he still used his mind to figure things out. The writers of the show never addressed that, but it was obvious. So, he didn't bother me since he was a pretty healthy combo of both thoughts and emotions. However, the best example of the dichotomy of which I'm addressing is Spock, by far. He was the man of "pure reason", which meant to the writers that he could have cared less if he ever got a hard-on. But let's face it... Spock needed to get laid. And not as the caveman that he became in that one episode, but as himself.

The portrayal of Spock's character is something which pretty much everyone has seen elsewhere. In almost all forms of arts and entertainment, people love to present these two things as if they are naturally opposed to one another (much like the way I'm opposed to people taking up good parking space with those stupid cemeteries).

People don't seem to even entertain the notion that your mind can value something and that your emotions can respond to the choices that you've made with your mind. I mean, is it just me...or do you get happy when you get something that you've chosen to value? Like, when you decide that you want a Red Rider bee-bee gun (a.k.a., choosing a value), you're happy when you get it (a.k.a., emotional response), right? We need to resolve this dichotomy bullshit.

So, let's first start with the whack-jobs. Yes, they can be fun to hang out with at parties, but they're also people that you wouldn't trust a roll of toilet paper with. That's right, I'm talking about the "feelers", who are also known as the people who live by "instincts". As you've noticed by now, I've been putting double-quotes around this word, and I've done so with good reason. Why? Because the idea that people are born with instincts is just the biggest pile of bullshit that I've ever heard in my entire life. Like, when I was born, I didn't run for the ocean because I needed to avoid a seagull that would eat my little body.

Yeah, I'm a human being... NOT A FREAKIN' TURTLE!

When we're babies, we're helpless. And why are we helpless? Because as babies, our minds are blank, and our bodies are sensitive to everything. It's only after time and experience that we develop anything at all. And if you're a "feeler", that anything has most probably been a series of horrible decisions. And the horrible events which "strangely" follow the horrible events. Imagine that, huh?

Anyway, now that I've at least described my first test case, I can now go ahead and diagnose it. You can initially try to approach them and converse about the subject, but I've rarely seen it work with this type of people. When you actually make a point, they claim that you're "playing a logic game", as if the act of presenting facts is somehow mystifying and could be roughly the equivalent of saying "hocus-pocus" and "abracadabra". And, if conversing doesn't work, there's only one thing left which one can do. It's a very simple solution; it merely involves you doing nothing about the situation...and simply getting away from it!

Run away from these people like your ass is on fire!

When someone decides to not use the one thing that gives us an advantage over the monkey at your local zoo, that person has just jumped onto the Butt-Munch Bandwagon, and there's absolutely no way to stop that crazy ride. Don't try to stop the wagon, especially when the wagon is about to smash at maximum velocity into the side of a wall. It's the only way that those assholes will ever learn anything.

And, now that we've covered the one that's pretty much hopeless, let's go on to the set of people who have a chance of straightening themselves out and who are actually worth a damn: the Spock people (a.k.a., the no-hard-on people).

Now, we all probably know at least one of these people. Maybe you work with somebody like this, maybe your high school teacher or your college professor suffers from this ailment (which I doubt, since reason is the last thing mentioned in classrooms), or maybe you've only seen this person sitting by themselves. In any case, these people get our respect, especially since it's an accomplishment in just using reason when people like Oprah are spoon-feeding literature to the masses that literally numbs the mind.

However, we both know how annoying it can be to be around these people: they have the social skills of a freakin' donkey. For example, if you crack a joke about having sex, they'll get all pissed off and start whining about how inappropriate it is, regurgitating quotes from their copy of "Topics to Be Offended By: A Handbook for People with Redwood Trees Up Their Asses".

Of course, your natural reaction to the situation is: Fuck 'em. Trust me, I know how it easily it just rolls off the tongue. After all, these are the kind of people that make people of reason look bad, with their Puritan ways and with how they make non-artist fields of occupation (like businessmen) look so passionless and boring. But, think about the alternative. What if you took them under your wing? How cool would it be if you took a smart, stable person...and you added on the extra layers of a sense of humor and how to have a good time? I mean, that's what best friends should be made of! It'd be a fantastic victory for the both of you!

So, diagnosis for ailment: liquor, strip clubs, and punk rock. After just a few weeks of that, you're little pocket-protector friend will be strutting around like Johnny Rotten...but with a much, much, much sharper mind. Much sharper.

Which now brings me to my point: this whole dichotomy scenario of mind versus body is costing all of us, even those who have rejected it long ago. It is because of this dichotomy that I (and you, the rational reader) can't hang out with people for whom I have the utmost respect. It is also because of this dichotomy that I sometimes find myself in the company of people who I can envision killing on the field of battle if we had lived during a more dramatic era.

We shouldn't have to accept this kind of choice.

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