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Marketing Campaigns...without All of those Stupid "Morals"
by Aaron Kendall
Okay, maybe it's just me...but when did the transition occur in which people proclaimed themselves "capitalists" in the same way that whores do? Now, even though I wasn't around for it, I remember hearing about a time when the ol' U.S.A. held up capitalism as a system that integrated profit and morals, when it stood up to the idea of Communism and other totalitarian forms of government, when it pointed at them and declared these assholes as threats to capitalism.
For some reason, though, all of that kind of talk has died down over the past few decades; instead, the ideal has been replaced with a number of leaders (a.k.a., whores), from both politics and business, who have decided that making a dollar doesn't involve morals or philosophy at all (or who have convinced others with pathetic rationalizations about how a better economy in another country will magically lead to a better philosophy)...The result? Energy companies buy oil and place money in the hands of our enemies, U.S. Internet companies help the Chinese government track down their own political dissidents who are online, and the owners of the Miss World pageant decide to hold the event within a country which would rather sever the winner's clitoris than place a crown on top of her head. So, based on all of this, what does the future look like for Western businesses, particularly in regard to marketing ideas? Well, here's a few...
- In Kenya, several fantasy baseball camps will be started in which avid fans can learn to pitch with the stars by throwing stones at the bodies of adulterating females and then taking a few swings with a bat at their decapitated heads.
- In Saudi Arabia, McDonald's will create the "Martyr's Happy Meal", which will come with three Sloppy Joe sandwiches and a bomb belt. On the side of the happy meal, the cartoon character "the Bombler" will be shown exploding and killing a large number of Jews, while the remnants of the Sloppy Joe sandwiches makes a mess for the local janitors.
- In China, Yahoo! will recognize the official month of "Mao's Promise to Slaughter Capitalists and Their Mothers" by altering the site's front page so that it will feature both a large picture of the American flag burning and an interactive Web game where cartoon characters from Dragonball-Z applaud you as you drop nuclear bombs on North America first and then the rest of the world.
- In Germany, several international book publishers will get together and create a new type of "Book-of-the-Month" club, in which readers will be informed of books that they should not ever purchase, read, or know about. First and foremost on the list would be "Mein Kampf"...because, let's face it, "Mein Kampf " is like crack to Germans: they get a little of it, and they go crazy. (And, yes, it's true that you cannot buy Mein Kampf in Germany.)
- In Beijing, the Communist government and Boeing will sign a contract to create hundreds of new planes for upcoming decades with an overhead banner reading "Bringing China's Delivery Up-To-Speed!" and with the contract repeatedly footnoting all mentions of the word "planes" with "a.k.a., our new bombers".
- In Russia, just as the country returns to Communism, Wal-Mart will launch a brand new megastore in Moscow with a huge "Back to Bolshevik" sale, where every customer who can recite the lyrics to Nyepomnyashchy's pop hit "Kill the Yankee" gets a free hammer and sickle.
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