Defense Lawyer : Ladies and gentleman of the jury, the defendant Spot will testify on his behalf regarding the events which took place on the afternoon that Little Timmy had half of his face ripped off. Spot, can you tell me what happened the afternoon that Timmy lost half of his face?
Spot : Me...hungry...eat...eat...
Defense Lawyer : So, you were hungry? Was that it? Did you eat the face for sustenance?
Spot : Face...face...face...steak...steak...steak...
Defense Lawyer : Ah, ha! So, you mistook Timmy's face for a steak! As you can see, ladies and gentleman, Spot simply suffered a brief episode of temporary insanity, brought on by extreme hunger. [Whirls around to point at Tommy's parents] A hunger which could have been prevented if only they had fed Spot on a punctual basis! [Turning back to Spot] Tell us, Spot...were they really that difficult to live with, that they would force you to attack Little Timmy? Or was it worse?
Spot : Lick...nuts...nuts...lick...nuts...
Defense Lawyer : Uh-oh.
Spot : Territory...mine...mark...full stomach...release...
Defense Lawyer : No! Stop, Spot, stop!
Prosecutor : Well, finally. After all these years, you finally get have to clean up some of the shit that you've been shoveling.
So, I'm afraid that for now, I can't advocate cops reading the Miranda Rights to a suspect who's licking his own genitals. And, therefore, I just can't advocate the idea that animals have rights...period.
Hey, maybe years from now, I can live long enough to see a new genre of movies being made about the history that I happened to live through. Perhaps there'll be another Spielberg in the future, and he'll make his own Schindler's List. It'll be a little bit different, though...instead of a movie about Jews in a Nazi camp, the movie will be about the heinous executions of puppies and kittens in kennels across this nation during the last years of the millennium. Yeah, and it'll be called Scrappy's Day to Die. I can't wait to see it as an old man, watching it in the theatre as I laugh myself to death. What a great way to go.
