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The Ad Critic
CIGNA Healthcare's Gender-Based Direct Mail
by Jason Roth
As part of CIGNA's touchy-feely customer relations program, I was sent a copy of their Fall 2004 Well-Being newsletter. On the cover is a photo of a white guy with receding yet unkempt hair, holding (get ready for this) an Asian baby girl. To be honest, I'm only assuming it's a girl because it's dressed in pink.
By the time I brought my mail back to my apartment, I realized that I had received not one, but three, newsletters. The mailman had accidentally dropped in my mailbox the three newsletters addressed to the CIGNA members in my building. Two newsletter covers had the photos of the white guy and his adopted daughter, and the third had a photo of a woman. I checked the mailing labels, and sure enough, a woman had been mailed this last version. Aha, I thought; here's my chance to see how CIGNA customizes their direct mail based on the gender of their customers.
Surprisingly, their were only two other pages in the newsletters (out of 16) that were different in each newsletter. (It turned out that an article entitled "Women: During Pregnancy" was directed at both sexes, so I was lucky enough to get it in the male version of the newsletter.)
Now, here's what was different. On page four, I got articles about the "good fat" found in fish and "It's a Guy Thing, Too", which explains that men can suffer from breast cancer, anorexia, and osteoporosis. The women's page four had an article on fat children and another entitled "The Good and the Fad", on losing weight.
I think it's a fair bet to say the CIGNA marketing file cabinet was overflowing with women's issues and their marketing staff decided to make double use of those files. Either that, or they felt the need to tell me that breast cancer affects 1,450 American men per year, which is very important for me to know since that's only 158 times fewer than the number of prostate cancer cases.
(Incidentally, here's an interesting statistic on prostate cancer: "The United States invests approximately $16,700 to find a cure for each life lost to prostate cancer... and about $160,000 for each life lost to AIDS." It sure pays to hang red ribbons next to all that celebrity cleavage.)
On page 13 of CIGNA Well-Being, only one of the two articles were different in each newsletter. The article that was found in both newsletters helpfully suggested, "Use a search engine, such as Google or Yahoo, to find the websites of the organizations you are looking for." Amusingly, this article was laid out differently in each newsletter but occupied the same amount of space and contained the exact same content. I can only assume that someone at CIGNA redesigned it so their boss would think they did more work.
The article that differed was on exercise and breast cancer in the women's version, but on "Tips to Tame Your Temper" in the men's version. Now, this is something I could potentially use.
Wrong.
Who writes this trash? Some corporate communications copywriter, that's who. I guarantee you that some putz straight out of college is making this stuff up. What's supposed to instruct me in the art of taming my temper ends up instilling in me more rage than the New Jersey Turnpike. Listen to these helpful tips:
"Think about how you express your anger. Do you isolate yourself or become physically ill? Do you act in ways that seem out of control, scaring those around you? If so, you may need to learn how to deal with anger in a healthier way."
Note that you only "may" need to do something if you're getting so pissed off that you're getting physically ill. Don't you love these wordy, touchy-feely bastards who will spit out anything necessary to fill a page before they take off for lunch?
But here's the best advice:
"Cool down. Before dealing with the situation that made you angry, release tension by taking deep breaths or going for a walk."
Ah, yes. Taking deep breaths. This would be quite helpful advice for anyone who hasn't existed on planet Earth long enough to comprehend this connection between breathing and relaxation, which has only been illuminated in 85 sitcoms and 347 cartoons in human history. Which is where, presumably, the CIGNA corporate communications copywriter found his or her inspiration.
Since my rent money comes from a marketing job, I can tell you from experience how this kind of garbage gets published. Here are:
The Ten Cardinal Rules of Corporate Communications
- No one specifies any business goals for corporate communications, it's just something that everyone assumes you have to do in business, so they do it.
- The copywriter's boss is a bitter marketing manager who hates her job and doesn't think anyone reads marketing copy, anyway. (Contrary to studies, such as those touted by ad man David Ogilvy, that long copy is actually preferable to short copy if constructed and used properly.)
- Upper management could care less about the content of customer newsletters. Therefore, any crap will get published as long as the copywriter makes his or her boss look good, which means using correct grammar and writing headlines that roll off the tongue (like "Tips to Tame Your Temper").
- Low-level, if not entry-level, employees write the copy compiled from sketchy sources, so they're forced to talk out of their ass about stuff they are completely clueless about. This means they'll need to use a lot of flowery writing, the kind you used in high school English class in order to get an A on a topic you thought was complete nonsense.
- A self-fulfilling prophesy occurs and voila, the marketing manager is right: the customers don't read the copy. (Except sadomasochistic marketing people like me.)
- The corporate communications campaign achieves the exact opposite of its intuitively assumed, vaguely formulated goal ("To make our customers like us.") Customers begin to conceptualize the company as a generic, faceless corporation that talks to its customers like children because deep down (customers assume) the company is really trying to screw the customer and the only way to avoid the topic is to speak in vague generalities. Otherwise, why wouldn't the company speak directly?
- Not one marketing manager ever speaks to an actual customer (or friend or relative) about the corporate communications their department produces, because (a) it never occurs to them, and (b) the conversation would knock down the entire house of cards which is their career.
- The company continues to crank out tons of paper per year, and thousands of specially-designed websites, just so upper management can sit around a conference room table and smile at each other during the glitzy PowerPoint presentation by the enthusiastic marketing or PR chick who likes to pretend she's still as physically attractive as she was when her looks got her the job 20 years ago.
- Upper management leaves the conference room and tries to forget they ever heard about corporate communications.
- Occasionally, upper management receives corporate communications in their mail at home, which they promptly discard.
Here's a tip for you corporate communications folks. Head over to the Cluetrain Manifesto and hold our your face out for a well-deserved slapping.
Here are a few of the Cluetrain theses especially relevant:
- "In just a few more years, the current homogenized 'voice' of business--the sound of mission statements and brochures--will seem as contrived and artificial as the language of the 18th century French court."
- "Public Relations does not relate to the public. Companies are deeply afraid of their markets."
- "By speaking in language that is distant, uninviting, arrogant, they build walls to keep markets at bay."
- "Most marketing programs are based on the fear that the market might see what's really going on inside the company."
- "Learning to speak with a human voice is not a parlor trick."
- "Companies need to realize their markets are often laughing. At them."
Hopefully, enough managers will get this stuff through their heads and start hiring communicators who are actually interested in, and capable of, communicating.
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